LIL’ GARDNER

Age: 29
Occupation: Our Hero
Distinguishing Characteristics: Mountain-man beard, Grassy Best baseball-T

Lil’ Gardner lives in an apartment in Los Angeles with Robot Jesus, Angry Magic Duck and four time-displaced Lil’ Gardners. He is prone to navel-gazing and tends to obsess over attractive celebrities, including Kirsten Dunst, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and, most recently, Kristen Bell. He and Lil’ Gardner ‘94 have started a terrible band called Attack Rabbit. In the “Robot Jesus R.I.P.” epic, Lil’ Gardner met a strangely familiar man with a dark secret in his quest to save his best friend’s life.

ROBOT JESUS

Age: Incalculable
Occupation: Mechanical messiah
Distinguishing Characteristics: All god. All man. 100% steel.

Robot Jesus is Lil’ Gardner’s best friend and roommate. He claims to be both the Christ and a robot, but it’s possible that he’s really just a robot. While Lil’ Gardner pines over celebrities, Robot Jesus actually dates them, though his dalliance with Elisha Cuthbert almost led to the destruction of Los Angeles. He has also been romantically linked to Angry Magic Duck, though he denies the relationship was anything but physical. RJ accidentally shut himself off, setting in motion the epic “Robot Jesus R.I.P.” story. He found himself in a shadowy netherworld lorded over by a mysterious figure as Lil’ Gardner tried to save him.

LIL’ GARDNER 2002

Age: 23
Occupation: Morally bankrupt hedonist
Distinguishing Characteristics: Goatee, beer (and cheeseburger) gut, flip-flops

Lil’ Gardner ‘02 time-traveled into the present to deliver a warning that he never actually got around to delivering. He ended up moving in with Lil’ Gardner and Robot Jesus; now he mostly sits on the couch watching reruns of Just Shoot Me. He also really likes Jack In the Box.

LIL’ GARDNER 1994

Age: 15
Occupation: Surly yet naive teenager, Attack Rabbit bassist
Distinguishing Characteristics: Flannel shirt, failed attempt at Kurt Cobain hairstyle

Lil’ Gardner ‘94 entered the present day disguised as Evil Gardner, but after much folderol revealed his true form. He loves R.E.M. and tries to emulate Mike Mills as the bassist for Attack Rabbit, though he suffered a setback in that regard when his bass was possessed by Sting. In the “Robot Jesus R.I.P.” epic, Lil’ G ‘94 learned of his true nature and met his ultimate end.

ANGRY MAGIC DUCK

Age: Unknown
Occupation: Social commentator, waterfowl
Distinguishing Characteristics: Yellow feathers, blue bow, manic glint in his eyes

Angry Magic Duck was one of the candidates for Lil’ Gardner’s new best friend, though he was beaten out by Evil Gardner (actually Lil’ Gardner 1994 in disguise). He returned, however, when the Cuthbot threatened Los Angeles, and it’s implied that the two had a brief relationship of sorts. More recently it was revealed that the Duck and Robot Jesus had an affair. The Duck is adamant that their dalliance does not mean he is gay, but rather that he is attracted to robots. During “Robot Jesus R.I.P.” AMD ate a bad tomato and got salmonella poisoning, landing him in the same shadowy netherworld as Robot Jesus. There he, like ‘94, learned of his true nature and met his ultimate fate.