EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 17

Email wins Heat 16, despite tough competition from The Far Side. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties
Automobiles
Coca-Cola
Swearing
Home cooking
Science
Email

The next three contestants, please (Hillary is gonna be so upset next Tuesday):



1. Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace | Pros: One of the greatest works of 20th-century American literature, articulating things you always knew but could never put into words yourself. Big enough to get lost in for months, deep enough to sustain multiple rereadings. Cons: Also big enough to kill a man with a single blow. It kind of just ends. Flipping back to the endnotes gets real old real fast.



2. The wheel | Pros: Makes getting around easier, and in doing so, allows modern civilization to exist. Cons: So outdated. Bring on the hovercars!



3. The Office | Pros: Captured the soul-deadening experience of working in an office better than any other work of art ever. Hugely funny and depressingly sad at the same time. Exhibit A in the case for allowing TV shows to end at their peaks. Cons: Despite rabid cult following, American audience still miniscule, so of course we need a remake.

Polls close Monday, May 2 at midnight.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 16

Science easily bests Fight Club and Born to Run to move on to Round 3. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties
Automobiles
Coca-Cola
Swearing
Home cooking
Science

The next three contestants, please:



1. The Far Side by Gary Larson | Pros: For a long time, the funniest thing on the comics page (excluding Calvin & Hobbes). Very geeky, even for a comic strip. Cons: Obsession with cows, insects, fat children can grow tiresome in large doses.



2. Email | Pros: The best form of communication ever invented, bar none. Combines the immediacy of the telephone with the literate demands of letters. Cons: Spam. People who ignore those literate demands.



3. In Utero by Nirvana | Pros: One of the few followups to a groundbreaking album that actually bests its predecessor (though it's also vastly underrated). Cons: Enjoyment is bittersweet, as this could have been the start of so much more.

Polls close Monday, April 25 at midnight.

WEEKEND (AND EARLY MONDAY) CULTURE ROUNDUP

1. Kung Fu Hustle, directed by Stephen Chow
Wowie wow wow. Possibly the best movie I've seen this year. It's no startlingly original critical assessment to say it's "kung-fu Looney Tunes," because that's obviously what it was intended to be, but that's the best way to describe it nonetheless. Unlike Sin City's Robert Rodriguez, who tried to replicate a cartoon with live action, here Chow uses the tools of live-action filmmaking (highly skilled martial-arts performers, fight choreography by Woo-Ping Yuen, and, yes, digital animation) to create something that mimics the logic and physics of a cartoon while remaining very much its own thing (Terry Gilliam's The Adventures of Baron Munchausen is another film that accomplished the same feat). The plot is cartoon-thin, just an excuse to go from ludicrous action scene to ludicrous action scene, but the action scenes are glorious, violent and thrilling and hilarious in equal measure. The movie is stuffed with references to everything from Top Hat to Reservoir Dogs, with Chow doing a brilliantly deadpan Keanu Reeves impression in the Matrix-riffing final scene. It also has a knife-throwing gag that rivals the Sideshow Bob/rake bit in the "Cape Feare" episode of The Simpsons and the brick-throwing scene from Home Alone 2 in the "if doing this one time is funny, doing it a bunch of times is even funnier" sweepstakes.

2. "Blue Orchid" by The White Stripes
If Richard Linklater ever pulls a Before Sunset on Dazed and Confused and makes a sequel set in some futuristic theme-park version of 1975, then "Blue Orchid" should definitely be the score to the opening joyride montage. This makes me want to drive around in an El Camino and throw trash cans at mailboxes in such a way that you think I'm kidding but you also know I'm totally not kidding at all.

3. Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke
Finally finished this after nearly four months of reading (I'm not that slow, honest, I just only read it when I was doing laundry). The ending wasn't really a letdown, per se--it was clearly a satisfactory end to the tale while remaining appropriately mysterious and open-ended--but after being immersed in this world since Christmas, I was not quite ready to leave so suddenly. Which I suppose is a sign of how good the book is. It took a while at first to get into Clarke's prose, which approximates that of the book's early-19th-century setting, but once I caught onto her dry sense of humor, I was hooked. (I think I might have read that it took Clarke more than a few years to write this, her debut novel, and I don't have a hard time believing that's true, as the writing gets more confident and elegant as the book progresses.) The plot, such as it is, doesn't really kick in until the book's final third; most of the story's pages are given over to world-building, something that Clarke excels at. At times this did feel like the historical novel it pretends to be, and I'd be happy to visit her magical alternate England again.

4. The Amityville Horror, directed by Andrew Douglas
Why I liked Kung Fu Hustle more than The Amityville Horror (one of many, many reasons): it surprised me. As I was watching Hustle, I had no idea what was coming next; as I was watching Amityville, I knew exactly what was coming next. If you've seen the trailers (or the original), you know that something evil in the house is going to make Ryan Reynolds something-something ("Go crazy?") , so there's no shock when he finally does, no suspense as to whether he turns homicidal because of diabolic possession or jealousy over his wife's late husband--it's the dead Indians in the basement, duh. The filmmakers must have realized that, because they don't even attempt an "is the house really haunted or is Reynolds just insane?" gambit, they just have him acting crazy from the moment he steps into High Hopes (and really, the movie's main lesson is "never buy a house with a potentially ironic name") and pile on the special-effects scares. Meh. The scariest moment is the CGI-free scene of young daughter Chelsea doing her balance-beam routine on the roof. Well, the scene where Reynolds plays William Tell with an ax, a log and his stepson was pretty scary too, but since there was no progression to his descent into madness, it felt too shoehorned in to be truly scary. Moviegoing companions said this was better than the original, which means the original must have really sucked.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 15

Home cooking breezes past Bobby Zimmerman and Office Space to earn a spot in Round 3. The Round 3 contenders it joins are:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties
Automobiles
Coca-Cola
Swearing
Home cooking

The next three contestants, please (another lopsided grouping, methinks; blame the duck):



1. Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band | Pros: One of the great statements of rock 'n roll. A crowning achievement in Wall of Sound production. Brilliantly evokes small-town go-nowhereism while offering the Power of Rock as a way out. Title track is the greatest song ever written. Cons: "Wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims" ain't exactly Dylan. You kind of have to really like sax solos to like this.



2. Science | Pros: How we learn stuff about the world in which we live. Cons: Science never got nobody into Heaven!



3. Fight Club, directed by David Fincher | Pros: I hate to use the word "zeitgeist," but captures and packages a zeitgeist in a way few films ever do. The best thing David Fincher, Brad Pitt, Chuck Palahniuk and Meat Loaf have ever been involved with. Cons: Is that really saying anything? Constantly misinterpreted by idiots.

Polls close Monday, April 18 at midnight.

WEEKEND CULTURE ROUND-UP

1. The Yes Men, directed by Dan Ollman, Sarah Price and Chris Smith
Documentary from the American Movie people about two guys who impersonate WTO officials at sparsely-attended trade conferences. Their performance-art stunts are funny enough, but seem to have little effect beyond making for decent sidebar material in Fortune and Wired; and though the general thrust of the movie is that the WTO is bad, exactly why that's so is limited to a couple of longish soundbites from Michael Moore. The Yes Men themselves seemed like interesting characters, but the doc focuses almost exclusively on their careers instead of their lives, unlike the much more interesting and successful American Movie.

2. New Avengers #4 by Brian Michael Bendis, David Finch et al
"Avengers Disassembled" was a mess (though 3/4 of it was entertaining enough), but New Avengers has so far been a hoot, with this issue in particular being nearly non-stop comedy. Bendis has cast Spider-Man as both the fish-out-of-water audience-identification figure and the wisecracking VH1-talking-head-style narrator, and he keeps up a pretty hilarious running commentary through the whole thing. It's becoming clear that New Avengers is Bendis's chance to run rampant through the Marvel playground, doing all the crazy shit he can't get away with in the relatively grounded Daredevil, Pulse and Ultimate Spider-Man. Sure, let's all hop in our supersonic jet and fly to the Savage Land to hunt a pterodactyl-man! Whee! And Finch still can't draw a conversation to save his life, but he's pretty damn good at the shit-blowing-up and cool-looking-plane parts of the story. And that's really all that matters.

3. "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz
The first official Danger Mouse-produced Gorillaz track (after the leaked "Dirty Harry"). This has three distinct sections, each of which is interesting enough on its own, but the way they're strung together seems kind of haphazard and momentum-killing, particularly when it switches from the rap section to the Damon Albarn falsetto-mumbling section. I like the song, but "Clint Eastwood" married the hip-hop and Brit-pop sides of the Gorillaz to better effect--but so does "Dirty Harry," so there's no reason not to have high hopes for the new Gorillaz lineup. (Available at iTunes.)

4. Chocolat, directed by Lasse Hallstrom
It's Footloose in mid-20th century France, with Juliette Binoche as Kevin Bacon and Alfred Molina as John Lithgow (he hates chocolate, dogs and Johnny Depp, in pretty much that order, though he comes around in the end). It's very light and sweet and pretty, and Depp has a small role as some sort of Irish gypsy, which means he just wears what he usually wears to awards shows.

5. "Hounds of Love" by The Futureheads
I haven't heard the Kate Bush original, but I can't imagine it could be any better than this perfect bit of New Old New Wave. Fittingly for a song whose central metaphor is fox hunting, it sounds like you should be running as fast as you can while listening to it--it's this tightly wound bundle of romantic confusion and sexual tension, and it's been stuck in my head all week and I don't think it's ever coming out. (Also available at iTunes.)

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 14

Swearing defeats Pet Sounds and the lightbulb to move on to Round 3. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties
Automobiles
Coca-Cola
Swearing

The next three contestants, please:



1. Office Space, directed by Mike Judge | Pros: Immediately recognizable to anyone who's toiled in an office. A cultural touchstone for nearly anyone between the ages of 20 to 30. Cons: Has since been overtaken by The Office as the premiere evocation of soul-crushing cubiclism.



2. Home cooking | Pros: The best food is always that made by your mom and/or dad... Cons: Unless your mom and/or dad don't cook very well.




3. Bob Dylan 1965-66 | Pros: An incredible two-year burst of creative energy that may never be equaled. Provided a huge chunk of the template for modern rock 'n roll. Dylan could have coasted on this work forever, but he continued to be more or less awesome. Cons: Possibly, just possibly, overrated just a smidge.

Polls close Monday, April 11 at midnight.

OH YEAH

Check out Flagpole for my Definitive Greatest R.E.M. Songs of All Time Forever & Ever list, in special confusing reverse order.

NOTES ON A LOST WEEKEND

1. I don't obsess over Star Wars toys like I used to, but the new ones hit stores this weekend and I felt like picking up a General Grievous, for old times' sake. Here he is, about to lay a hurting on Yoda:



I also watched a lot of the Clone Wars cartoon this weekend, and I've come to the conclusion that General Grievous is the greatest character ever created. Let me see if I can explain: He's a robot, okay, and he's evil, and his sole purpose in "life" is to hunt and kill Jedi, and after he kills them he takes their lightsabers as trophies, and he uses these lightsabers to hunt and kill other Jedi, and he has four arms, so he can fight with four lightsabers at once. Five, if he stands on one leg. I don't know whether it was George Lucas or Clone Wars mastermind Genndy Tartakovsky or some LucasFilm designer who came up with Grievous, but whoever it was deserves a round of applause: Best. Character. Ever. Suck it, Quentin Compson.

2. Oh yeah, speaking of Yoda, have you seen the new TV spots? Check out the "Tragedy" one, specifically the shot of Yoda grimacing from behind a closing door. The little dude is so evil! There's a totally unconfirmed theory floating around that Yoda is a traitor to the Jedi--i.e. that he saw Anakin's fall to the Dark Side coming all along, and he allowed it (or even facilitated it) to bring balance to the Force or whatever--and that shot has nearly convinced me.

3. Yes, I know Episode III is probably going to suck. I don't care.

4. Finally saw the new Spike Jonze-directed Adidas commercial, and it's as incredible as advertised. The thing I like most about Jonze as a filmmaker is his ability to make impossible things look so plausible--mundane, even--that you don't even question them until long after you've seen them. Also, I like how Jonze and Karen O made one big mash note to each other and got Adidas to pay for it. (Karen O's contribution available at the top of Golden Fiddle, unless it's already gone, which it probably is.)

5. Speaking of which, Sin City, as a love letter from Robert Rodriguez to Frank Miller, is also pretty incredible. But as a coherent piece of cinematic storytelling, it pretty much sucks. It sounded like a good idea to directly translate Miller's comics to the screen, but as it turns out, that makes for some gorgeous visuals and not much else. This isn't to say that the comics are bad--they're some of my favorites, actually--it's just that what works on the page doesn't always work onscreen. Miller's art is so abstracted, his characters so iconic, his dialogue and narration so luridly over-the-top in ways that can't be captured on film (or HD video, as the case may be). Take Marv, for example. In the comics, Marv is drawn as less a human than a walking block of solid granite--more Thing than man, really--with a face shaped like the head of an ax. And this works beautifully on paper, because his appearance is an extension and exaggeration of the way he feels inside--because he's a cartoon--and moreover because everyone and everything around him is also a cartoon. But in trying to replicate Marv's distinctive appearance in live-action, Rodriguez made a misstep, one that is repeated throughout the movie. Mickey Rourke plays Marv, and he plays him beautifully, but he's got about ten pounds of makeup on his face that remind me more of Eric Stoltz in Mask than anything else. It's to Rourke's credit that, by the end of Marv's story, he's able to make us mostly forget about the makeup and concentrate on the character, but frankly, Rourke is ugly enough to play Marv without all the padding. Rodriguez has tried to literally make the comics come to life, and in a purely visual sense, he has succeeded. But despite all the CGI sets and special effects and makeup, we're still watching real people interact, and that's where the disconnect comes in. In the comics, Marv is less a character than a caricature, but that works because we can accept a different level of emotional reality in comics or cartoons. But when there's a real person playing him, we expect something different--we expect something a little more real. (If you've never read Sin City, just think of how well The Simpsons works as animation, and imagine how grotesque a live-action version in which all the actors were painted yellow and had giant bulbous eyes would be.) We expect to see motivations and emotions that simply aren't there, motivations and emotions that we're able to fill in ourselves when we read the comics. In the movie's second major section, based on Miller's The Big Fat Kill, the cartoonishness is amped up enough that the audience is let in on the joke, but a veil of seriousness comes back down again in the third section, based on That Yellow Bastard.*

I wanted to love Sin City, not only because of my admiration for Miller, but because you have to like it when one guy directs, shoots, edits and even scores his own big-budget movie (even if the score sucks). And it really is a major advance in filmmaking technology, though I got the same claustrophic feeling from it as I got from Sky Captain--after a while, you just want to see something real. (And the video still looks like TV in places, particularly in exterior shots.) The big problem with the movie is that it's just too faithful to Miller's Sin City. It's a weird, uncomfortable mix between cartoon and live-action, with both sides vying for supremacy and neither side winning. The characters move and talk just like they do in the comics, but that turns out to be a highly unnatural way of acting. There's lots of posing so Rodriguez can lovingly replicate a favorite panel, and shots that make no narrative sense yet are included only because that's how the comics are. Rodriguez has done an amazing job of bringing Miller's comics to life, but in the process he's lost nearly any reason why anybody should care.

*I recently reread That Yellow Bastard for the first time since it was originally serialized in 1997. At the time, it was my favorite Sin City tale--there was a level of terror and heartbreak there that wasn't in Miller's other works. But rereading it, I couldn't get over the hardboiled ludicrousness of some of the dialogue (especially coming from Nancy), the big gaping hole in the plot (why does Hartigan have to lead Roark to Nancy, when she dances under her own name at the most popular bar in town?) or the sheer speed at which the story moves. It's more an outline for a story than a story itself, but reading it over the span of several months allowed me to fill in bits of story and character that aren't there. Anticipation for the next chapter was just as important as all that black ink. But reading it in one go, and especially seeing it on the big screen, it just doesn't hold up.

6. Hillary's so right. "Hollaback Girl?" That's my shit. Same with Brooke Valentine.

7. New Beck: pretty good, though I'm one of the few who think Sea Change is his best stuff. But why didn't anybody tell me there was a Jack White collaboration? Dude plays bass, yo. Whatever happened to artistic purity?

8. Anybody know where I can get sunglasses like Vic Mackey wears? Thanks.