Monday, January 31, 2005

SCREEN | The Office, American Style

Thanks to the magic of the Internets (via Golden Fiddle, but the link to the video is already down), I was able to watch the pilot episode of NBC's Americanized version of The Office (subtitled An American Workplace), and all I can say is it's freakin' bizarre. It's essentially the same as the first episode of the original, only with the names changed (David Brent is now Michael Scott, etc.) and the British colloquialisms replaced with their American counterparts ("He was rubbish" becomes "He sucked," for example). So it's not exactly a disaster, because the writing is still top-notch, but if you've seen the original, it's deeply unnerving. Steve Carell takes over Ricky Gervais's part as the boss who thinks he's God's gift to comedy, and he does a good job, though his funniest moments come when he is able to do his own thing and not merely mimic, however skillfully, Gervais's masterful performance. I laughed out loud, for example, when he put a stapler under his nose and did a Hitler impression, or said that the four people he most admires are "Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, Bono and God," but for much of the episode you're only reminded that this character has been done before, and better. Carell's rhythms in this episode belong more to Gervais than himself, and he looks faintly embarrassed to be doing what is, essentially, comedy karaoke. Anybody who's seen The Daily Show or Anchorman knows that Carell is a brilliant comedic performer in his own right, and I think the show's success will largely depend on his being allowed to develop Michael Scott into a character distinctly different from David Brent.

And that's the big problem facing this show: how to keep it from being just a karaoke version of the original. The other actors manage this with varying degrees of success. Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute (the Americanized Gareth) thankfully doesn't try to copy Mackenzie Crook's mannerisms, nor does he look like Crook (Wilson is more a younger, skinnier Milton Waddams than an emaciated weasel). But the character, as written, remains nearly identical to Gareth, in his humorless obsession with order, his pseudo-military background and his ineffectual asskissing. This character illustrates one of the problems with this version of The Office: instead of trying to create new characters that fit the broad templates of the original's, the writers have instead simply changed the names and shoehorned in actors who, no matter how good they are, simply remind us how much better suited the British actor were for those characters. The only one who doesn't seem completely out of place is Jenna Fischer as Pam Beesley, this show's version of Dawn. She looks like a cross between Maura Tierney and Mary Lynn Rajskub, and maintains the appropriate air of quiet desperation without aping Lucy Davis.

John Krasinski as Jim Halpert (the American version of Martin Freeman's Tim) mimics Freeman's timing and expressions to an uncomfortable degree, even goggling his eyes at the unseen documentarian just like Tim does. But Tim's lovelorn sadsackery, which worked so well when portrayed by the "Fisher Price doll"-headed Freeman, seems out of place on a guy who looks like the president of your local Phi Gamma Delta chapter. The whole concept, in fact, seems out of place in an American setting; the odd rhythms and awkward pauses that made the original great are an uncomfortable fit here. Warren Ellis has written a lot about how many modern superhero comics are "cover versions" of older comics, and how the most successful are the ones that give the audience what they want and expect from that particular superhero while adding new layers and developing new insights. The Office: An American Workplace faces the same challenge. If it continues to mimic Gervais's The Office, it's going to be more like some sad drunk singing "Sweet Caroline" at a karaoke bar than Jeff Buckley doing "Hallelujah." It needs to find its own stories, its own characters, its own rhythms, if it's going to be successful. Otherwise, what's the point? The original isn't exactly a lost cult classic: it won a Golden Globe, and the DVDs are everywhere. But if it strays too far from the original, then what's the point in calling it The Office in the first place? "Workplace comedy" isn't exactly such an original idea that you have to buy the rights to a British sitcom to do one. The writers, producers and actors need to figure out what makes this Office an "American workplace" if it's ever going to be more than a footnote in Ricky Gervais's Wikipedia entry.
|

Friday, January 28, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Losers' Bracket #6: Other

The sixth and final losers' bracket to determine the last contestant in Round 2 of Everything Idol. Vote for your favorite:

1. shoes
2. eBay.com
3. Mapquest.com
4. Weather.com
5. money
6. power
7. fame
8. that picture of Johnny Cash flipping the bird
9. righteous indignation
10. correct spelling
11. carpet
12. dinosaurs
13. nemeses
14. film (the physical medium, not the artform)
15. grooved vinyl (aka records)
16. magnetic tape
17. optical discs (i.e. CDs and DVDs)
18. future magic hard drives
19. Superman
20. Spider-Man
21. X-Men
22. planes
23. trains
24. rocketships
25. earth
26. wind
27. fire
28. masturbation
29. weekends
30. pandas
31. puppies
32. faith
33. hope
34. charity
35. the screw
36. the lever
37. the pulley
38. the wedge
39. David by Michelangelo
40. Guernica by Picasso
41. Mona Lisa by Da Vinci
42. peace
43. houses
44. swearing
45. Christmas


Remember to also cast your vote in Round 2, Heat 4.
|
THE CASTING UNCOMFORTABLE OFFICE CHAIR #2

So the movie version of Watchmen is apparently a go for this year, with David Hayter scripting and Paul Greengrass (The Bourne Supremacy) directing. Previous attempts to translate Alan Moore to film have been unsatisfying, at best (From Hell, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), so it's hard to hold out much hope for this one, which seems all but impossible to distill into a two- or even three-hour film. And I'm hoping that the filmmakers don't cast a lot of younger actors, since most of the lead characters are at least in their forties; Silk Spectre II is the youngest at 35.

Rorschach - David Caruso would actually be a perfect physical match for Walter Kovacs, but CSI: Miami isn't exactly encouraging as far as dramatic potential goes. I'm going with Michael Keaton--he's got the crazy eyes Rorschach needs, plus his having played Batman adds a little meta-cinematic frisson.

Nite Owl (Dan Dreiberg) - Speaking of Keaton, it might be interesting to cast other actors who've played Batman as some of the other characters. The Watchmen characters are all based on old Charlton Comics characters, but Rorschach, Nite Owl and Ozymandias all share elements with Batman as well. So I'm saying George Clooney, keeping his Syriana weight, as Nite Owl II. Though, frankly, John Cusack seems kind of perfect for this role.

Nite Owl (Hollis Mason) - And Adam West as the first Nite Owl.

Ozymandias - And Val Kilmer as the Smartest Man on the Planet. A stretch, I know.

Dr. Manhattan - And Dr. Manhattan doesn't really have anything to do with Batman, but what the hell. Christian Bale, since Dr. M, though pushing 60, is still around 30 physically.

Silk Spectre II - Jennifer Connelly

The Comedian - Harrison Ford, actually having to act for a change.

Silk Spectre I - Adrienne Barbeau or Jacqueline Bisset
|
FRODO!

Tomorrow is the official Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon at Casa de Gardner, aka Rings-a-Ding-Ding, Ow My Ass Hurts. Eleven hours and twenty-one minutes of Fun with Hobbits. If you haven't been invited, it's probably because either I don't know you or you don't live in Los Angeles. If I do know you and you do live in LA and you would like to watch eleven hours and twenty-one minutes of Lord of the Rings, yet I neglected to invite you, shoot me an email and I'll send you the info.

At about the sixth hour we might have to liven things up with something like this. If so, I, an even bigger nerd than previously thought, have concocted an LOTR-specific cocktail for the occasion. I give you: "The Eye of Sauron, aka The Fires of Mount Doom:"



It's really just the principles of a Tequila Sunrise applied to a Ward Eight, but it looks cool. Plus it sits comfortably between Girly Drink and Manly Drink; it's sweet and colorful, but also: bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon. I also whipped up a "Gandalf the White," but I'm not so sure about it. It's a little too sweet to have more than like one sip. I think it requires a little more experimentation. Delicious experimentation.

(While looking for the drinking game, I also found this, which I only recommend you read if you want to get really creeped out. To wit: "Take one sip whenever anyone uses the words Horn of Gondor,' 'White Tower,' or 'Sting' as an innuendo.")
|

Thursday, January 27, 2005

LIKE A CHAIN LETTER, ONLY WITH NO PROMISE OF FINANCIAL REWARD

I am bored, and so have decided to share my boredom with you. Survey found at Comics Waiting Room.

1. What is your favorite color?

To wear? Exciting combinations of black and blue. Otherwise? A deep burgundy-ish red.

2. What is your quest? (Monty Python geeks only.)

To buy the land that Villa stole from Father long ago.

3. Name a movie you think is underrated.

Friday Night Lights. Seriously, did nobody see this? I can't believe it's not getting any love at all in the awards season.

4. What book are you reading/did you just finish?

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. I've also started David Deutsch's The Fabric of Reality, but I haven't looked at it in over a month, so it's hard to say I'm actually "reading" it.

5. Are you just saying that to impress us?

Why, are you impressed?

6. Name a quality you envy in a particular person.

Not so much a quality of a particular person as of everybody I know, but I do envy the ability to quickly adapt and become comfortable in unfamiliar situations. I'm like a frickin' stegosaurus in that regard.

7. What is most likely to cause blinding rage in you?

Verizon, and their utter inability to provide me with a working phone line. I cannot wait for the apocalypse, so I can watch the gaping maw of Hell devour that entire company.

8. It's your last meal. What'll you have? (Bonus question: Why are you on death row?)

If they won't let me out of prison for thirty minutes so I could go to a Papa John's and make my own pizza the way I like it, then maybe a really enormous double cheeseburger, lots of seasoned fries and a milkshake. I'm on death row because my beautiful yet psychotic secret-agent wife accidentally yet repeatedly ran over an ambassador in our Bentley, and I'm taking the fall for her because she's too pretty to die. Also she's a secret agent, so she knows special KGB mind-control techniques. Socialismo o Muerto!

9. What superpower would you like to have? (Flight, invisibility and super-strength are only worth half a point.) (Not that we're grading.)

Well, if you aren't grading, then invisibility. Obviously.

10. My God! You've switched genders! Who would you like to look like?

Jennifer Connelly. Though I think I'd end up looking more like Lila Villaneuva.

11. The old dinner-party-with-anyone-in-history chestnut. Let's go there.

We'll need a big table: Johnny Cash. Stanley Kubrick. William Faulkner. Thomas Jefferson. Bill Hicks. Audrey Hepburn. Miyamoto Musashi. Dorothy Parker. Rita Hayworth. Grant Morrison.

12. What's your best physical feature?

Giant feet that thwart all decent-looking shoes' attempts to fit them.

13. What really terrifies you?

The icy black embrace of death.

14. You're shipwrecked. A helicopter pulls you out of the freezing water but your spouse, your best friend and your mother are all in the water and only one can be saved. What drink do you order later to feel better about the terrible ordeal?

A Manhattan. I demand whiskey!

15. Who will play you in the movie of your life?

Ethan Suplee. Obviously.

16. Name a song that transports you to another time. Do not attempt to be classy.

The song: "Disco 2000" by Pulp. The time: Summer 1997, working the night shift at the Wal-Mart Supercenter, making donuts in the bakery.

17. You're jammin'! You're the best, at your peak! Check you OUT! What instrument and with what band? (classiness acceptable but in no way mandatory.)

Bass, the Pixies. Though if Kim Deal doesn't want to relinquish her position, perhaps The White Stripes would like a bass player? (N.B.: I can't actually play the bass.)

18. What current trend bothers you?

That thing? Where people talk and/or write like this? That? Bothers me. It's the "Television Without Pity message-board posters trying to imitate the recappers and failing miserably" trend. It? I hate.

19. The Amish. Cool or uncool?

Cool. Go watch Witness. Or, better yet, the "Witless" episode of Sledge Hammer!

20. Which New Years resolution are you most likely to blow first?

I made no resolutions. I am perfect.
|

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 4

Water somehow bests The Simpsons to move on to Round 3. What a sad, sad world we live in where The Simpsons isn't at least in the semifinals of a Best Thing Ever contest. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water

The next three contestants, please:



1. Beef | Pros: Delicious, in all its many forms. Provides essential protein to growing bodies. Reduces the dangerously burgeoning cow population. Cons: Makes you fat. Apparently cows have feelings and don't like to be slaughtered. Who knew?



2. Chocolate | Pros: Delicious, in all its many forms. Provides essential chocolateness to growing bodies. An aphrodisiac. Cons: Makes you fat. Like, for real.



3. Johnny Cash, 1994-2003 |Pros: Older, wiser, still awesome. Staged a stunning comeback, made four great albums in a row, influenced a couple new generations. By the end, could barely stand up, but could still kick your ass. Cons: Some people might say that, on the American albums, Cash was a glorified karaoke singer. Those people have no taste and should be shot on principle.

Polls close Monday, January 31 at midnight.
|

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

THE CASTING UNCOMFORTABLE OFFICE CHAIR

I'm a big nerd, and one thing nerds like to do is sit around and discuss who would play whom in live-action film adaptations of favorite books, comics, cartoons, roleplaying games, etc. So herewith begins a new semi-regular feature at the GLFC, in which I will posit a dream cast for a particular adaptation, and you will chime in with your own suggestions. Our first victim:

The Simpsons

Has there ever been a decent live-action version of a cartoon? No. The idea of a live-action Simpsons movie has been bandied about for years, but thankfully has never come very close to reality (because the idea was usually accompanied by the chilling statement "with Tom Arnold as Homer!"). And the mind reels at the possibility of Future Movie Studio plundering the show for a nostalgic live-action version in thirty years. (Dakota Fanning as Marge! Haley Joel Osment as Homer!)

I submit that The Simpsons only works as a cartoon, and that trying to approximate its look using prosthetics or CGI will only result in a horrible parade of grotesquery. The way to do The Simpsons on celluloid is to strip it to its essential, non-comedic components: a family that clings together despite its members' obvious bitterness and dislike for one another, surrounded by a town full of supporting characters of varying degrees of loserdom, all caught up in intertwining Altman-esque plots. And who's better at depicting crumbling family structures and Altman-esque plots than Paul Thomas Anderson? I say give PTA the puffy director's pants, and let him cast the film with his usual repertory company and play up the dysfunction at the core of all these characters: a violent alcoholic just smart enough to realize how stupid he is, suddenly charged with raising a family; his wife, unable to leave him because she needs someone who needs her as much as him; their daughter, all her talent crushed by her stultifying home life.

Shut up, this is GENIUS. The cast:

Homer Simpson - John C. Reilly
Marge Simpson - Julianne Moore
Barney Gumbel - Philip Seymour Hoffman
Ned Flanders - William H. Macy
Grampa Simpson - Phillip Baker Hall
C. Montgomery Burns - Henry Gibson
Lenny - Mark Wahlberg
Carl - Don Cheadle
Chief Wiggum - Ricky Jay
Patty and Selma - Mary Lynn Rajskub
Krusty the Clown - Alfred Molina
Bumblebee Man - Luis Guzman

Your thoughts?
|
EVERYTHING IDOL | Losers' Bracket 5: Food & Drink

The following items won Losers' Brackets 1-3 and will be added to the Straw Hat of Doom for inclusion in Round 2:

Lawrence of Arabia
The Velvet Underground's four studio albums
The Sopranos

You can still vote in the Literature Losers' Bracket. And don't forget to weigh in on the "prose vs. water vs. The Simpsons" debate.

Now, vote for your favorite consumable:

1. Apple pie a la mode

2. Guinness Stout (or, for the purposes of this vote, beer in general)

3. Pizza delivery

4. Coca-Cola

5. NyQuil

6. Bourbon

7. Chicken

8. Seafood

9. Pork

10. Macaroni & cheese

11. In-N-Out Burger

12. Wine

13. Ice cream
|

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

QUIZZIN' IT UP

This isn't a particularly interesting (or even time-killing) diversion, but I do think this picture is hilarious:


What weird misc. thing are you?

Kitty Loaf

You are a strange, sick individual. You're probably one of those ADD kids who has Ritalin hallucinations. This cat/bread thing is one fantasy you re-visit frequently.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

|
EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 3

His Dark Materials pulls out a victory over Hemingway and Preacher to move on to Round 3. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman

The next three contestants, please (I think this one's going to be interesting):



1. Prose | Pros (hee hee): The clearest, most accessible way to share your thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc. with other people. The medium of many of our greatest works of art. To a large degree, makes modern civilization possible. Cons: Yeah, in like 1776, grandpa. Ever heard of TV? Movies? Internets? Prose is old news. The future belongs to multimedia.



2. Water | Pros: Life would be, like, impossible without it. Cool and refreshing. Cons: Have you tried the water in Los Angeles? Not exactly refreshing. Also, it makes you wet and uncomfortable, and when it falls from the sky, it makes the drivers out here kuh-razy.



3. The Simpsons | Pros: A piece of brilliant, ongoing satire masquerading as disposable, even childish, entertainment, which is really its greatest achievement; when it's so easily dismissed by so many, it's been able to get away with the sharpest, most ruthless cultural critique of the last twenty years. Cons: After season 9 or so, there is a noticeable decline in quality. No longer the best show on TV; merely the third- or fourth-best.

Polls close Monday, January 24 at midnight.

|

Friday, January 14, 2005

A SERIES OF LETTERS TO A MAJOR CORPORATION

January 13, 2005

Dear B____ H_______, President of V____:

I am writing to inform you that the company representative who was scheduled to connect my phone line to the node (I believe this is the service he was supposed to perform; forgive me if I'm not completely aware of the technical details of telephone installation) on the eleventh did not in fact arrive on the eleventh to perform said service. In fact, it is now the thirteenth, and he has still not arrived. The peanut butter-chococlate chip cookies I made have gone stale--those that I did not eat during the long wait, that is. On the twelfth I placed a call to your customer service department, and after three transfers I spoke to a perfectly lovely young woman who, nonetheless, spoke so quickly and in such a thick accent that I, slow-witted Southerner that I am, could not understand what she was telling me. I thought she said that the representative had visited that morning (the twelfth) and that I was to do something in an hour. "What's happening in an hour?" I asked. "Yes," she said. And so it went.

I called again this morning and was connected with someone who actually had useful information for me; unfortunately, that information was this: "Your order has been put on hold because we don't have a photo ID, and we require photo identification of all new customers. Didn't someone call you about this?" No, no one called me about this; nor did the sales representative inform me of this requirement when I placed the order, though he did ask if I was a new customer, to which I replied in the affirmative. So I faxed a copy of my driver's license to the Customer Verification Department, and called back to discover that they had received my fax and scheduled the node-connecting representative to visit my apartment on February 2, over a month after I placed my initial order. This is unacceptable.

The customer service representative I spoke to was most helpful, though I recommend that she be fired, as I did not like her tone. Her name is Charla Manfred. See to it.

I also request a node-connector guy to come to my apartment no later than Saturday, January 15 at noon PST. I am aware that the node-connector guy who serves the greater Los Angeles area (I assume there is only one, as the wait time for his services is so long) may not work on Saturdays, but I think he will make an exception once you tell him that I will have a plate of fresh-baked peanut butter-chocolate chip cookies waiting upon confirmation of a successfully connected node. Please call me at 310-xxx-xxxx to confirm this appointment.

Sincerely,
Gardner Linn

p.s. One more suggestion: your customer service representatives end every phone call with the phrase "Thank you for choosing V____." I recommend that you change this to something more appropriate, as I did not choose V____; V____ was thrust upon me by the vagaries of Los Angeles geography and inter-phone-company politics. If I had a choice, rest assured that I would choose tin cans and string if they would allow my Tivo to make its weekly call. Perhaps you should change your representatives' call-ending phrase to "Thank you for living in the area of Los Angeles that our (alleged, by me) bribe of city officials allows us to monopolize."

*******
January 15, 2005

Dear B____ H_______, President of V____:

I waited for your call, which never came; I waited for the node guy, who also never came. No cookies went stale, as I ate them all this time. I expect you to send me a check for one dollar to cover the gym time it will take to burn off those extra calories.

I refuse to wait until February 2 for my node to be connected. My node demands connection now! My node is aching to connect--with someone, with anyone. Why do you persist on ignoring the plaintive calls of my node?

January 18. That is my final deadline. There will be no cookies. If the node guy asks why, I will tell him that it is your fault. I would prepare for a reckoning then, if I were you. These blue-collar repairman types tend to be large, and fond of cookies.

Best,
Gardner Linn

******

January 18, 2005

Dear Asshole Johnson:

Ha ha. Do you see the humorous new nickname I have given you? Do you get the joke? I called you "Asshole Johnson": "Asshole" because that is what you are, and "Johnson" because that is a common Anglo-American last name. (Forgive me if you are not of Anglo-American descent; I only assume that you are because most unforgivable jerks tend to be, but I intend no offense. Feel free to alter your new humorous surname as appropriate. "Asshole," however, I find to be culture-neutral.)

No node guy today. No cookies either, as previously mentioned. We went straight to the Wild Turkey, and we missed work to boot. If I manage to show up tomorrow (I get the feeling it's going to be one massive fucker of a hangover), I'll probably get fired. I expect you to take me on as Special Assistant to the President at my current salary. As Special Assistant, my duties will consist of sitting at home and playing Star Wars: Knight of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords. You will also buy me an Xbox.

January 25. That is the final final deadline. You notice that I am giving you a week's notice this time. I expect my new Special Assistant contract by Express Mail in two days.

Cordially,
Gardner Linn
Special Assistant to the President

*****

January 26, 2005

Dear Mr. H_________, Sir:

Do you see? Do you see how respectful I can be? That is how respectful I could be every day, except YOU DIDN'T SEND ME MY FUCKING CONTRACT BY EXPRESS MAIL! Nor did the node guy show up today. And where's my Xbox?

You also owe me for two bottles of Wild Turkey, a new front fender for a 1993 Mercury Grand Marquis, a new mailbox for the corner of Santa Monica and Butler, and various fines levied by the City of Los Angeles. Also $5,000.00 bail. An invoice is enclosed. I think you'll also have to serve some community service; I'm looking into the proper paperwork to get that transferred.

On a more personal note, it saddens me that you do not respond to my correspondence. I feel that letter-writing is a lost art in this electronic age, and that it both promotes the exchange of ideas and preserves that exchange for future generations. Do you not care about future generations? What kind of monster are you? In the interest of advancing the art of letter-writing, I have written a letter to the Los Angeles Times informing them that you hate the future generations, and that if they'd like to find out how much, they should check the crawlspace under your house. That will be a fun afternoon for you, I'm sure! I hope you know a good lawyer!

Word,
Gard-Dawg

p.s. Now that I've lost my job, I think I'm going to go to law school. Would you like to hire me to defend you in your upcoming serial murder trial?

*****

February 2, 2005

Dear B_____,

The node guy came today, but I just didn't care. It wasn't the same anymore. You won't talk to me. As I'm pouring the Wild Turkey I think that maybe if I just had a working phone line, you would give me a call and assuage all my doubts and fears, but as I throw back another round I know that's just a pipe dream. It's over, B_____. I got my phone line, so I guess I came out ahead in the end, but I just don't know if it's worth it.

By the way, I saw you on the cover of the Times. It was good to see you, but I do feel somewhat guilty. How was I to know you actually had a body in the crawlspace? Just goes to show you can never truly know somebody, no matter how much you think you do.

It's been real, B______. I hope you find what you're looking for. I don't know if I did, but I think I might have found something better.* I'll try to send you a file baked in a birthday cake, ha ha!

All the best,
Gardner

*The node guy, Frank, turned me onto his AA meeting. Good folks, good coffee, good times. You can bet there'll be some amends baked in that birthday cake too!
|
A HYMN OF PRAISE

In a week full of various phone-company-related frustrations (about which more later), long work hours and diseases of the head holes (TM Moe Szyslak), one potent potion got me through it all:

NyQuil.

I feel like I should share the love with all of you, and look what just happened to drop in my inbox today, courtesy of my daddy:

MP3: "NyQuil Blues" by Alvin Crow & the Pleasant Valley Boys

Enjoy in moderation.
|

Thursday, January 13, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Losers' Bracket 4: Literature

The winner goes on to Round 2. Don't forget the Film, Music and TV brackets. Or Round 2, Heat 2, either.

Vote for your favorite:

1. Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

2. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

3. The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

4. Inferno by Dante Alighieri

5. Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson

6. Peanuts by Charles Schulz

7. Krazy Kat by George Herriman

8. The Invisibles by Grant Morrison, et al

9. The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller with Klaus Janson and Lynn Varley

10. Ghost World by Daniel Clowes

11. 1984 by George Orwell

12. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

13. Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham

14. Underworld by Don DeLillo

15. Paradise Lost by John Milton

16. Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

17. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

18. The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer

And a few I forgot:

19. The Iliad and The Odyssey by Homer

20. Ulysses by James Joyce

21. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

22. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

23. The collected poems of Wallace Stevens

24. The stories of Franz Kafka

25. The stories of Gabriel Garcia Marquez

26. The stories of Jorge Luis Borges
|
TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW


I am nerdier than 53% of all people. Are you nerdier? Click here to find out!



I am 66% loser. What about you? Click here to find out!
|

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 2

Art, perhaps unsurprisingly, squeaks out a win over Star Wars and Homicide. Remember to vote in the Film, Music and TV Losers' Brackets, and look for the Literature Losers' Bracket tomorrow.

Now, let Round 2 continue!



1. Preacher by Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon | Pros: One of the finest sustained works of comics art, comprising 66 issues by Ennis and Dillon and a few specials by Ennis and a select handful of artists. One of the great Westerns in any medium, combining the graphic violence of Peckinpah's nightmares with an old-fashioned John Wayne idea of manliness made fresh by its association with a particular brand of tough-as-nails feminism, and a vision of America as mythologized by a Brit and an Irishman. Plus a vampire, John Wayne's ghost, and a bad guy who looked like the bastard child of Lee Marvin and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cons: Drags a bit in the middle. Ending somewhat anticlimactic. Laid bare all of Ennis's stylistic tics and pet themes, so that pretty much everything he's done since then has failed to measure up.



2. Your favorite Ernest Hemingway book | Whatever that may be. Might I recommend In Our Time? Pros: Hugely influential on generations of writers. Just as Modernist as Eliot, but way more manly. His trademark journalistic style was singularly powerful, conveying the most complex abstractions in spare, concrete images. Cons: That trademark, influential style can wear on your nerves, particularly as filtered through generations of lesser imitators.



3. His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman | Pros: The best kind of children's book: one that doesn't condescend or shield them from horrors, but instead offers a glimpse of (and, indeed, takes as its theme) the heartbreak and mystery of adulthood. Particularly notable for being a British fantasy trilogy that does not display a marked Tolkien influence. Cons: All that stuff with the mulefas in the third book--kind of weak. Enormous possibility of the movie versions being pale shadows of their sources.

Polls close Monday, January 17 at midnight.
|

Monday, January 10, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Losers' Bracket 3: TV

The third Losers' Bracket to pick the Wild Card contestants for Round 2. Scroll down to vote in Losers' Brackets 1 & 2 and Round 2, Heat 1. Look for Round 2, Heat 2 tomorrow.

Vote for your favorite:

1. Monty Python's Flying Circus

2. The Sopranos

3. Freaks and Geeks

4. Mr. Show with Bob and David

5. Futurama

6. Fawlty Towers

7. The Larry Sanders Show

8. The Cosby Show

9. South Park

10. NewsRadio

11. Alias

12. Gilmore Girls

13. Oz
|

Friday, January 07, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Losers' Bracket 2: Music

The second of six Losers' Bracket polls to pick the remaining Wild Card contestants in Round 2. Remember to vote in the Film Losers' Bracket and Round 2, Heat 1*.

Vote for your favorite:

1. Surfer Rosa by the Pixies

2. Otis Redding's oeuvre

3. Automatic for the People by R.E.M.

4. "Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles

5. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles

6. The Velvet Underground's four studio albums

7. iPod/iTunes

8. London Calling by The Clash

9. Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin

10. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie

11. The Boatman's Call by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

12. Ritual de lo Habitual by Jane's Addiction

13. Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain by Pavement

14. Superunknown by Soundgarden

15. Vs. by Pearl Jam

16. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins

17. Speaking in Tongues by Talking Heads

18. It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back by Public Enemy

19. OK Computer by Radiohead

20. My Aim Is True by Elvis Costello

21. Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by Wilco

22. Thin Elvis

23. Fat Elvis

24. Johnny Cash 1958-1980

25. The best of The Rolling Stones

26. Who's Next by The Who

*If you're using Mozilla, and those links just bring up the page source HTML, sorry. Just scroll down to the next two posts on the main page. Or if you know how I can fix this so people can view the archives in Mozilla, let me know. It's driving me crazy!
|

Thursday, January 06, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Losers' Bracket 1: Film

The first of six Losers' Bracket polls to pick the remaining Wild Card contestants in Round 2. Vote for your favorite:

1. Boogie Nights, directed by Paul Thomas Anderson

2. Edward Scissorhands, directed by Tim Burton

3. Lawrence of Arabia, directed by David Lean

4. Pulp Fiction, directed by Quentin Tarantino

5. This Is Spinal Tap, directed by Rob Reiner

6. Young Frankenstein, directed by Mel Brooks

7. Some Like It Hot, directed by Billy Wilder

8. The Indiana Jones Trilogy, directed by Steven Spielberg

9. Casablanca, directed by Michael Curtiz

10. The Godfather Parts I & II, directed by Francis Ford Coppola

11. Gone with the Wind, directed by Victor Fleming

And what the hell, a few more that I forgot the first time around:

12. The Silence of the Lambs, directed by Jonathan Demme

13. Vertigo, directed by Alfred Hitchcock

14. Trainspotting, directed by Danny Boyle

15. Alien, directed by Ridley Scott

16. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, directed by Sergio Leone

17. Raging Bull, directed by Martin Scorsese

18. Chinatown, directed by Roman Polanski

And if you haven't voted in Heat 1 of Round 2, why, just scroll down!
|

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 1

Apparently nobody reads the GLFC on Mondays, so the one vote in Qualifying Heat 42 goes to Born to Run. Computers won Heat 41.

With that out of the way, here we are, finally, at Round 2 of Everything Idol. I've prepared a little photo-essay to explain how things are going to work.

First, the names of all Round 2 contestants are printed on slips of paper (Fig. 1), which are then placed inside the Straw Hat of Doom (Fig. 2, 3).


Fig. 1


Fig. 2


Fig. 3

Then my good pal Angry Magic Duck (Fig. 4) will randomly select three contestants from the S.H.o.D. (Fig. 5,6,7).


Fig. 4


Fig. 5


Fig. 6


Fig. 7

You will then vote on these three contestants, and the process will repeat itself next week.

Since this is the second round, I'd like to invite you loyal voters to participate to a greater degree in the electoral process by penning testimonials for the nominated objects. Reply in the comments or shoot me an email if you'd like to do that in the coming weeks.

With no further ado, then, the first three contestants of Round 2:




1. Star Wars: the original trilogy | Pros: Arguably the most thrilling, visually compelling films ever made, and together form the best candidate for a modern mythology in centuries. Cons: Sure, if you're eight years old. The years, and subsequent tinkering/spin-offs/merchandise/prequels have not been kind to the reputation of the originals.




2. Art | Pros: The process by which human beings share their inner lives with the rest of the world, and thereby achieve immortality and possibly impress attractive people they'd like to know better. Cons: Not a particularly useful means of effecting lasting policy change.




3. Homicide: Life on the Street | Pros: Combined a grittily realistic look at police work with fearless examination of thorny philosophical issues; Det. Frank Pembleton, played by Andre Braugher, probably one of the most fascinating TV characters ever created. Cons: Apparently, not many people wanted to watch grittily realistic cops tackle thorny philosophical issues.

Polls close Monday, January 10 at midnight. Be sure to keep checking back this week to vote in the Super Special Bonus Qualifying Round Losers' Brackets polls. The full list of Round 2 contestants and losers' bracket participants is here.
|

Monday, January 03, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL REMINDER

If you're reading this on Monday, don't forget to scroll down and vote in the final two Qualifying Heats (41 & 42). Round 2 begins Tuesday!
|

Sunday, January 02, 2005

MORE LISTS

Re: the previous post, I've got a published Top Ten list right here. And I contributed to this.

In case you were wondering (and who wasn't?), the eleventh through twentieth Best Songs of 2004 are:

11. “Take Your Mama” by Scissor Sisters
12. “Toxic” by Britney Spears
13. “World War IV” by David Wrench
14. “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers
15. “The Rat” by The Walkmen
16. “Jesus Walks” by Kanye West
17. “If It’s Not with You” by Phoenix
18. “Take Me Out (Daft Punk remix)” by Franz Ferdinand
19. “Rude Bwoy Thug Life” by Ce’Cile
20. “The White Unicorn” by Wolfmother
|
THE BEST CRAP OF THE YEAR 2004

No exhaustive best-of lists from me--just my ten favorite bits of art & entertainment from the last year.

1. Musicblogs

An amusing curiosity in 2003 became a daily obsession in 2004; there's no point in putting any albums on this list, because everything goes back to the blogs. Fluxblog, The Tofu Hut, Music for Robots and many more were where I first heard my favorite new artists (The Arcade Fire, Joanna Newsom, Nellie McKay, TV on the Radio), new stuff from old favorites (Pixies, Modest Mouse), cultural milestones (The Grey Album) and so much great old stuff that's finally seeing the light of day again. This could all go away or morph into a completely new entity in 2005, but for the past year it was the best radio station in the world.




2. Lost, created by J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof

There's still a chance this could lose its way and meander into pointlessness like Abrams's Alias occasionally did last season, but for now and the forseeable future Lost is the most relentless rush of pure entertainment on TV, delicately balancing the potentially ludicrous mystery of the island with the painful, complex mysteries of the characters themselves.





3. We3 #1 & 2 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely

2004 was a pretty good year for Morrison all around--the conclusion of his New X-Men epic, the Seaguy miniseries, his return to the Justice League in JLA: Classifed, the collected edition of The Filth, the long-awaited publication of a second volume of his classic Doom Patrol stories, and the announcement of work in 2005 like Seven Soldiers and All-Star Superman--but his greatest achievement last year was the first 2/3 of his "The Incredible Journey meets The Terminator" miniseries We3 with genius artist Frank Quitely. Together, writer and artist achieved some sort of perfect mindmeld that wrenched heartbreaking pathos from a tale of cybernetic housepets and forged bold new methods of depicting time and action on the printed page. The sixty-odd pages of We3 published so far have yielded more "Holy shit!" moments than anything else I read or watched all year.




4. Pixies at Coachella, May 1, 2004

For half the crowd, it was the return of something they had missed for too long. For the other half--my half--it was like going back to a home we never even knew we had. Yes, we thought, this is exactly what it must have been like. How did we go without this for so long?




5. Sideways, directed by Alexander Payne

The funniest movie of the year (pretty much every time Thomas Haden Church is on screen). Also the saddest (pretty much every time Paul Giammatti is on screen). Since they're on screen together most of the time, this is the laugh-until-you-cry, cry-until-you-laugh, feel good, then feel bad, then feel good again movie of the year.




6. Veronica Mars, created by Rob Thomas

I only watched the first episode because it was on after America's Next Top Model, but that was enough to hook me. "Who killed Lilly Kane?" is probably the best mystery on TV since "Who killed Laura Palmer?" and it looks like this one actually has a satisfying answer. Add to this the best young actress on TV (Kristen Bell), who gets some of the best dialogue on TV, and the apparent desire of the producers to keep Homicide vets working (Kyle Secor in a recurring role as potential bad guy Jake Kane, Melissa Leo in an eyepopping guest appearance as a transsexual father), and you've got mighty addictive television.




7. The Incredibles, directed by Brad Bird

I feel sorry for the people making the Fantastic Four movie, because the best FF movie imaginable already came out last November. But Bird didn't stop at making a great superhero-family movie--he wrapped four decades of superhero deconstructionism into a shiny two-hour package that feels both refreshingly traditional and bracingly forward-looking, with a slyly subversive edge that cuts right into its bleeding emotional heart.




8. Arrested Development, created by Mitchell Hurwitz

If it wasn't already clear that the traditional sitcom died with Seinfeld, Arrested Development makes it painfully obvious. The faux-documentary style allows the razor-sharp cast to fire off subtle, devastating jokes at an exponentially faster pace than even The Simpsons manages these days, without sacrificing its painfully hyperrealistic take on family life. Fox smartly moved the show to the post-Simpsons timeslot for its second season, and rushed the first-season DVDs to market; hopefully that will allow Arrested Development to continue to escape the fate of the next show on this list...




9. Wonderfalls, created by Todd Holland & Bryan Fuller

The four episodes that actually aired, at least. A DVD set of all 13 filmed episodes will be released next month, and maybe then more people will see the show that dramatized post-college malaise better than anything I've ever seen.




10. Friday Night Lights, directed by Peter Berg

I don't want to oversell this movie, because in many ways it is a typical high-school football movie, filled with all the cliches you'd expect to see in such a thing. But if it is typical, then it's the Platonic ideal of the typical high-school football movie, simultaneously naturalistic and mythic, the action both physically and emotionally bruising, filled with a yearning for greater things that will never come. Even the Hollywood-ized parts of the true story (such as the reconciliation of Don and Charles Billingsley) feel earned. And Billy Bob Thornton as Coach Gaines, in a performance that is defiantly unflashy--it's a supporting role, really, because the real star is the team as a whole--gives further evidence to the theory that he's the best actor working today.
|

Saturday, January 01, 2005

EVERYTHING IDOL | Qualifying Round, Heat 42

The wheel beats out the other simple machines to move on to Round 2.

Don't forget to vote in Heat 41.

This will be the final Qualifying Heat. In the interests of keeping my promise that Round 2 will begin on January 4, voting on this heat will remain open only until midnight, January 3.

The voting for the six Wild Card spots will take place over the next week, as they are not necessary for the first heat of Round 2. The six Wild Card winners will then be added to the pool for later heats of Round 2. The following things will also be added to the Round 2 pool, as per editorial fiat: Art, Film (the art form, not the medium), Television, Music, Prose, Poetry, Food and Science.

The final contestants, please:




1. Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band |
The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody's out on the run tonight but there's no place left to hide
Together Wendy we'll live with the sadness
I'll love you with all the madness in my soul
Someday girl, I don't know when, we're gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go and we'll walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us, baby we were born to run




2. Mona Lisa by Leonardo Da Vinci | Inscrutable--yet deadly!




3. Swearing | Makes talking fun!




4. Houses | Where you keep your stuff.




5. The best of The Rolling Stones | "Satisfaction," "Sympathy for the Devil," "You Can't Always Get What You Want," "Wild Horses," "Miss You," and about fifteen others. You can fill in the rest yourself.




6. Guernica by Pablo Picasso | Like, war is bad and stuff.




7. Peace | Attainable only through war!




8. David by Michelangelo Buonarroti | Acceptable pornography!




9. The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer |
Whan that Aprille with his shoores soote
The drought of March hath perced to the roote
And bathed every vein in swich liquor
Of which vertu engendred is the flour
When Zephyrus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes and the yonge sun
Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne
And smale fowles maken melodye
That slepen all the night with open eye
So priketh hem nature in hir courages
Thanne longen folke to goon pilgrimages
And palmeres for to seeken stronge straundes
To ferne halwes couth in sondry londes
And specially from every shires ende
Of Engelond to Canterbury they wende
The hooly blissful martyr for to seeke
That hem hath holpen whan that they were sike




10. Wine | Delicious and nutritious.
|