THE ILLUSTRATED MAN

Prison Break is, as nearly every reviewer has said, filled with ridiculous logic leaps, stock characters and by-the-numbers dialogue, yet it's also a lot of fun, and Wentworth Miller, as head prison-breaker Michael Scofield, is that rare pretty-boy action-show lead who's actually able to project intelligence and cunning (as well as, in the second half of the two-part pilot, genuine fear). It's not Oz--it's not even 24--but it'll hold my interest for a few more weeks, at least.

I do have one big problem with the show, however, and that's the full-torso tattoo that Scofield uses to execute his plan. It's a really clever idea (most likely inspired by Memento): every piece of information he needs to escape is encoded in the tattoo. So far that info has included the name of a cell toilet manufacturer and an allen wrench size, though, to be honest, that information really didn't need to be permanently etched onto his skin. (The main narrative reason seems to have been to make a C.O. suspicious.) Anyway, the main feature of the tattoo is that it's made up of the prison's blueprints, which Scofield reveals to his brother Lincoln at the premiere's halfway point. He takes off his shirt and shows Lincoln the tattoo, which looks like this:



Lincoln, of course, doesn't know what he's supposed to be looking at. "Look closer," says Scofield, and as Lincoln does, a CGI blueprint starts to form itself on Scofield's body. That looks like this:



Cool idea, right? Sure. Except that the lines of the blueprint bear no resemblance whatsoever to the tattoo, except for the sword that big demon guy is holding. It's not that after closely looking at the tattoo, the blueprints pop out at you--they're just drawn over the tattoo. I guess if you don't have TiVo it's easier to accept this, but when you can pause and slo-mo, it becomes painfuly obvious that this cool idea is poorly executed. How hard would it have been for the tattoo designer to design a blueprint-hiding tattoo that would hold up to ten seconds of scrutiny? Or is there something here that I'm just not seeing?

NEW WAYS TO GET DRUNK

With football season almost upon us (UGA plays its first game this Saturday), it's time to think about how you're going to get plastered enough to sit through 3+ hours of the sport at a time. So, fulfilling the community-service requirement of my parole agreement, I present to you the Two Best Drinks of Fall 2005.

THE RALPH MACCHIO

Developed by either James Renfroe or Nick Hiltgen a few years ago, this has become the official drink of the West Coast chapter of University of Georgia alumni. (I remember a 2001 Rolling Stone profile of Michael Bay claiming that it was his preferred drink as a fratboy in Kentucky, so we can't take all the credit; the name, however, was coined by either me or Nick.) It's just Sunkist orange soda and Jack Daniel's, in the same proportions as a Jack & Coke. It's very orange, very sweet, and very strong. The name comes from the following thought process: Daniel's/Sun--Daniel-San--Karate Kid--Ralph Macchio. We are geniuses.

THE JIMMY CARTER

This was just created this past weekend by Amy, though further research indicates it, like the Ralph Macchio, is a longtime fratboy favorite. Put some ice in a big glass, add a healthy dose of Jim Beam (Jack Daniel's and Wild Turkey would also work just as well), and fill it up with sweet tea (which you can make yourself, though I recommend getting a gallon from Mrs. Winner's, if there's one nearby). Readers north or west of the Sweet Tea Line please note: "sweet tea" does not equal "unsweet tea with Splenda." This is like drinking candy, and it will knock you out but good, assuming you don't spill it all over the porch after two sips like some people. "Jimmy Carter" is an attempt to give it a good Southern name, but I'm also partial to "Sigma Chai." That's what Coffee Bean will call it when they come out with a sweet tea/Jim Beam Ice Blended.

TAKE THAT, FIONA

I'm probably behind the times, but I just heard about this yesterday, and the new Kanye has gone from a maybe to a must-buy. Plus check out the drummer on "Diamonds from Sierra Leone."

THE CASTING UNCOMFORTABLE OFFICE CHAIR #3

CUOC #1 CUOC #2

I've already sort of done this before, but I think it's time to come up with a dream cast for BATMAN KEEPS ON TRUCKIN' or whatever they're calling the sequel to Batman Begins. Most cast members are returning, obviously, and that unfortunately includes Katie Holmes. So with no idea of a story, the cast already includes:

Batman/Bruce Wayne - Christian Bale
Detective James Gordon - Gary Oldman
Alfred Pennyworth - Michael Caine
Rachel Dawes - Katie Holmes

No word on whether Morgan Freeman or Rutger Hauer will reprise their roles as Wayne's business partner Lucius Fox and business rival Earle, though it seems like Freeman at least should show up.

That mainly leaves the casting of a new villain, and that villain is most likely going to be the Joker. Rumors indicate that Sean Penn, Paul Bettany and Lachy Hulme are or have been in the running, and those are decent choices; Penn I actually think is too recognizable to do the kind of Joker I'd like to see, but I think Bettany would do well, and Hulme certainly looks the part. People like Steve Carell and Robin Williams have also been rumored, but I think it's a mistake to go with an actor mainly known for comedy. Batman Begins set up a less cartoonish world for Batman, and I think a Joker that fits into that world should be more frightening than funny, and though Williams has proven he can do that (and for Christopher Nolan, no less) and Carell probably can, it creates expectations in the audience that the filmmakers might want to avoid. Or at least that I would want to avoid, were I making the movie.

With that in mind, I'm sticking with my previous choice of Peter Sarsgaard. He's like a young John Malkovich both in terms of range and looks/voice, but without that creepiness you expect to see from Malkovich (not that he can't be creepy, just that it's not his shtick). He can be scary without being over-the-top. Plus, dude deserves to be a bigger star. He's been the best thing in lots of indie movies for years now, but he could use a big high-profile role like this to keep him from a career of playing third-fiddle in bad Kate Hudson movies.



District Attorney Harvey Dent should also be in the movie, as a new ally for Batman and Gordon, who then becomes their enemy Two-Face in Part 3. I've said it before: this has Mark Ruffalo written all over it. Like Sarsgaard (and Bale, for that matter), Ruffalo is another great indie actor who's relegated to playing second banana to Reese Witherspoon in Hollywood flicks. He can do the driven idealism that Dent requires, but he also has a dark side that will come out as Two-Face, without the terrible overacting that marred Tommy Lee Jones's performance. (There is, of course, the possibility that Rachel Dawes could become Two-Face, but just look at this side-by-side comparison: Ruffalo was born to play Harvey Dent! Come on!)



As Killing Joke fans will know, if you want the Joker to be more frightening than funny, you might also want to have Barbara Gordon in the movie (though Rachel Dawes could also serve the same purpose--and yeah, I know it's kind of skeezy to look at it that way, but for the Batman trilogy to make sense the way I see it, the Joker has to do something horrible to someone Batman or Gordon (or preferably both) loves). And I don't think there's any need for her to be Batgirl, but she could certainly be a Batman advocate. After seeing The Village, in which her performance was by far the best thing, I vote for Bryce Dallas Howard as Barbara. (And for those who know what I'm talking about, I think she'd make a pretty good Oracle as well.)



We might want to save Ra's al Ghul's daughter Talia for Part 3, but she's the best choice for a post-Katie love interest (unless Nolan wants to go to the Catwoman well again). But wherever she turns up, Asia Argento is the actress to play her. Angelina Jolie is also exotic and dangerous enough for the role, but like Penn she's just too famous.



The sequel might also need a low-level villain (who would have escaped from Arkham at the end of Begins) for Batman to take out in the first act. Mr. Zsasz, who appeared in Begins, played by James lead singer Tim Booth, is an option, but I'd opt for someone a little bigger. Unfortunately, most of the bigger existing Batman villains would be completely ridiculous. Maybe a less monstrous Killer Croc, skin damaged and mind warped by the Scarecrow's fear gas? Christopher Meloni isn't as big as Croc usually is in the comics, but he's scary as fuck, and that's all that matters.

#1 SUPERFANS

1. Stereogum has a link to an amusing video of a #1 Superfan at a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah show.

2. The #1 Superfan at the White Stripes show at the Greek last night was this dude right in front of me, with spiked-up blonde hair, white shirt and mook buddy; I don't want to disparage fraternity brothers, but "frat guy" is the best way to describe this dude. Anyway, he spent the entire show looking around, usually directly away from the stage (i.e. at me, or at least right above my head), trying to determine the source of the pot smell that kept wafting down toward us. The only times he ever seemed interested in the show were when they played songs from Elephant, of which they played exactly three: "Black Math," "Hardest Button to Button," and "I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself." When the Stripes played those songs, #1 Superfan formed a hand gesture that was like a lazy cross between the devil horns and a hang ten, and pumped his arm toward the stage. At the end of the show, he complained that the band didn't play "the one song that brought everybody here," i.e. "Seven Nation Army."

That guy aside, the show wasn't quite as good as their last appearance at the Greek two years ago, but it did have its highlights. Namely:

*An extended take on "Blue Orchid" with a mid-song rant that seemed to be about playing cards and might be some old blues song, plus a long guitar solo.

*Jack and Meg leaving the stage after about twenty minutes, to much confusion from #1 Superfan; they came back a minute later, with Jack's explanation that "We thought if we faked an encore you might make some noise."

*Two performances of "Passive Manipulation," one with Jack on piano and one with him on guitar, both of which began with Jack apparently ordering Meg over to the timpanies.

*Meg sitting at the front of the stage and playing bongos while Jack beat the shit out of an acoustic guitar on "Ugly As I Seem."

*Jack switching from organ to guitar to piano on "Truth Doesn't Make a Noise."

*"The Union Forever" with lots of bonus Citizen Kane quoting.

*You know how "The Denial Twist" has a lead piano part but also a prominent bassline? And how you might wonder how they'll handle this live? Well, they handled it by getting Beck motherfucking Hansen to play bass. He had apparently just learned the song five minutes before showtime, but it was still a treat. He also joined Jack and Meg for his own "Cold Brains," which led to some height-disparity hilarity as they adjusted the mic to trade verses (Jack is about eight feet taller than Beck).

ANSWERS

Robot Jesus says: Mail Clerk, it appears the Angry Magic Duck has decided to answer your question himself.

Joe, Batman Begins doesn't suck because the first half is awesome. Especially when Qui-Gon Jinn tells the American Psycho his dad was weak. And Major got run over by a car, hid out in the sewer for a week, dragged himself back up to the surface, got his leg amputated, and was still the most highly-strung, ornery little furball you can imagine. That's pretty vivacious, no?

REDORKULATED

1. Barring a Cat Fancy subscriber write-in campaign, it looks like Love's going to take the last quarterfinal heat of Everything Idol, joining Art, Email and Friends in the semifinals. The Semis will begin next week.

2. Blogging Cliche #1 Alert: Lately I've been too lazy busy to blog very much. But that's all about to change soon! I got things to say and I'm'a gonna say 'em! And I figure if I go ahead and whet your appetite now, I might actually write them! So, starting next week, look out for the following thrilling posts:

*An in-depth (and possibly multi-part) examination of comics' "new mainstream," and why it generally bores me to tears;

*The complete, ridiculously specific chart that I use to determine whether or not I will see a new movie;

*"Why are comics reviewers afraid of boobies?";

*New Summer TV Roundup (just in time for fall);

*AND MUCH MORE!

3. If you take a look at the sidebar you'll see that I've added a "GLFC 'Classics'" section, wherein I provide handy links to certain past posts that for no good reason I think you might like, if you haven't read them before. Actually, the various surveys and lists kind of suck, but I thought putting them all in one place might be...something. I don't know.

4. And yes, children, it is time once again for ASK LIL' GARDNER & ROBOT JESUS. That's right, if you have a question, concern or problem, you can ask America's Favorite Cartoon Characters, and they will provide a timely response that will make all your cares disappear. Ask away!

EVERYTHING IDOL | Quarterfinals, Heat 4

Friends defeat Science in Heat 3 to move on to the Semifinals. The Semifinalists so far:

Art
Email
Friends

In this final heat, our five judges (just four this time) will provide commentary on the contestants, though anyone and everyone may vote, and even the judges must vote in the comments if they truly wish their voices to be heard.

On with Heat 4:



1. KITTIES

Aaron: Kitties seem to be able to beat everything in its site and every time I see it as one of the choices, I can't help but wonder what's meant by "kitties". Is it only referring to young, small kittens or cats in general? I have no idea, but I'm going to go with all cats. But not the musical Cats. I like cats, kitten, kitties, whatever you want to call them. They're cute. I never understood why you have either like cats or dogs. I like them both. Of course, I've met some very mean cats. You can still hear me screaming in my sleep over those cats scratching me.

Amy: Fluffy!! Wook at da widdle face!!

Chris: I used to like Garfield comic strips, but I also used to not know how to add. (Both of these were very long ago.) Those who vote for kitties are doing nothing but perpetuating Hang In There posters. And kitties are totally cute, no doubt, but they make me sneeze, and like the old saying goes, you can love a kitty but you can't kitty a love. Love wins.

The "Unknown Judge": The two kitties that have been used as exemplars in this contest are quite proud of their achievements. The orange/yellow one is presently standing in front of the air conditioner vent, cooling down from his day's rigorous activities. The gray one is out walking the streets. They are fine representatives of cat kind and deserve consideration. They wanted to be up against e-mail or prunes, not love.

(Editor's note: If you like cats, you might enjoy this.)



2. LOVE

Aaron: If we didn't have love, what would everyone write songs about? Love seems to be going strong in the competition, but kitties has eliminated some really strong contendors in the past. I only have one thing to say if kitties beat love. Please lock me away. Here inside where I hide. I don't care what they say. I can't live in an Everything Idol without love.

Amy: Love hurts. What is love anyway but our bodies telling us that the genetics of a certain person are complementary to our genetics and therefore we should breed some genetically superior offspring? Since I don't like offspring (or Offspring) I'm not sure I'm all that crazy about love. Plus, it kicks the shit out of me every time.

Chris: It's kind of a given, right? Like, yeah, of course love wins, because that's what it does. That's what it is. It's like those people who on their online dating profiles write "I like shopping, hanging out, chilling but most of all I like to HAVE FUN!!!" Yeah, no shit you like to have fun. That's because IT'S FUN. That's what it's for. If you didn't like it it wouldn't be fun. Anyway, vote for love.

The "Unknown Judge": I suspect love will win this vote in a runaway. I love my kitties. I love the guy who runs the blog. I even have warm affection for Zane.

HIS DARK MATERIALS UPDATE

Rich Johnston has some HDM movie news: he says Anand Tucker is in talks to direct, but Terry Gilliam wants the job too. Gilliam? GILLIAM?



COME ON!

EVERYTHING IDOL | Quarterfinals, Heat 3

With Hillary away from an Internet connection and unable to rally the troops, Email beats Infinite Jest in Heat 2 to move on to the Semifinals. The Semifinalists so far:

Art
Email

Once again, our five judges will provide commentary on the contestants, though anyone and everyone may vote, and even the judges must vote in the comments if they truly wish their voices to be heard.

On with Heat 3:



1. FRIENDS

Aaron: Super Friends, "That's What Friends Are For," "You've Got a Friend," My Best Friend's Wedding, Garfield and Friends, "I've Got Friends in Low Places," Your Friends and Neighbors, and of course the classic NBC Must See TV show Friends. Without friends, we wouldn't have anyone to experience these great pop culture moments with.

Amy: If you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend." The obvious implication that the value of a friendship is directly proportional to the size of the gifts you give aside, I think this line kind of sums up everything neatly. There are people that you "know" and people that you consider "friends." The people you consider friends make dealing with the other people you know entertaining and worthwhile. In addition, they are useful for making sure that you yourself are worthy of being a friend to others by pointing out your more obvious faults. I love this self-perpetuating cycle and I love friends. A great big thumbs up.

Chris: There is nothing better.

Gabriel: Whatever you most want to be--smart, funny, good--you are at your most that when you are with your friends.

The "Unknown Judge": Life wouldn't be much fun without friends. I went to hear Jerry Jeff Walker a couple of weeks ago with some friends that have been members of The Greater Calhoun Jerry Jeff Walker Fan Club and Sunday School for over 30 years. We had a great time, drinking beer with shots of Ensure and hardly making any noise (that the crowd could hear) when we had to stand up. One of us even remembered where we parked the van. Life would not be the same without these folks, so I'll vote for friends.



2. SCIENCE

Aaron: Science helps explain things. I mean religion may give an explanation to how the world was created, but it can't explain why gravity exists. But while science is great, it can't beat having friends. Which of these things would you rather do? Go out for coffee with a friend or go out for coffee with a beaker?

Amy: Janus. That's what comes to mind when I think about science. Besides being the bane of my existence for all of my salad days, it has introduced some serious evil into this little existence of ours. Atom bomb. Gas chambers. SUVs. Chlorofluorocarbons. But counterbalancing this are the obviously beneficial things as well. AZT. Penecillin. Computers. Electricity. The printing press. So, inevitably perhaps, I am torn. Do I love science? Yes. Do I hate science? Yes. On the whole, I think I would go with friends before I go with science. Friends, like science, have the power to betray you and lure you into a false sense of security. But, unlike science, they remind you that we are all in this together. Science reminds us only of what is left to be overcome. Friends tell us why these things are worth overcoming.

Chris: There is nothing better, except friends.

Gabriel: When I was in school, I was led to believe that Science consisted of a collection of facts about the physical world: the atomic numbers of elements, the relationship between time and speed, the workings of the various parts of a flower. These facts, while interesting to some people and useful in some circumstances, are not what you'd call awesome, exactly.

If I were a science teacher, this is what I would say on the first day of class: Science is not a collection of facts. It is the greatest epistemological tool ever invented. It is a way to decide whether you know something or not.

Science is badass. It doesn't care if you believe in it or not. Its greatest heroes are the people who overturn its most cherished accumulated beliefs. It will take seriously the proposition that the universe is composed of tiny strings wriggling in 10 dimensions. If no one had invented science, it wouldn't exist.

The "Unknown Judge": Without science the universe wouldn't work, which would put everybody in a fix. But, unless you are a scientist, science is very hard to understand--Richard Feynman said he didn't understand science, he just could see what happened. If Feynman can't understand, I've really got a problem. I really prefer reading skeptics as they debunk various pseudosciences. I don't always understand the science, but I understandwhy the pseudoscience (ESP, astrology, psychic surgery, creationism, etc. are wrong), especially if somebody like the Amazing Randi writes it. I seem to be rambling.