EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 13

Coca-Cola narrowly defeats the Velvet Underground and Dr. Strangelove to move on to Round 3. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties
Automobiles
Coca-Cola

The next three contestants, please:



1. Swearing | Pros: An efficient way to get your point across. Cons: The gub'mint don't like it!



2. Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys | Pros: "Wouldn't It Be Nice." "God Only Knows." "Don't Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder)." "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times." "Caroline No." Cons: Yes, every subsequent band that has put sleighbells on a record--you've heard Pet Sounds. We get it.



3. The lightbulb | Pros: Enable us to stay awake and active late into the evening, when our forebears would have had to either light some candles or, worse yet, go to sleep. Cons: I guess they contribute to the steady destruction of the environment or something. I don't know. I ain't a hippie.

Polls close Monday, April 4 at midnight.

SORRY FOR THE CONVENIENCE

Mitch Hedberg died yesterday at the age of 37. Far, far too young for anyone, especialy someone this funny and yet still not as famous as he should have been. Hedberg was the first comedian I ever saw perform live, and one of the first missions I gave my Tivo was to hunt down his brilliant Comedy Central special. Hell, I just got his Mitch All Together CD in the mail from Amazon two days ago. Definitely one of the top three or four stand-ups of the last few years, and he was just starting to get the recognition he deserved. He will be missed. (Sad news via Tom the Dog.)

ASK LIL' GARDNER & ROBOT JESUS: THE ANSWERS PT. 3

The latest round of questions and answers are right here:

HILLARY'S QUESTION!

MEETA'S QUESTIONS!

ASK LIL' GARDNER & ROBOT JESUS: THE ANSWERS, PT. 2

Mail Clerk asks:

dear robot jesus,

what is the proper comeback for 'your momma.'?

CLICK HERE FOR ROBOT JESUS'S RESPONSE!

Remember, you can still ask LG & RJ anything you want!

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 12

Automobiles win Heat 13, much to the chagrin of some. Here's how the Round 3 contenders are shaping up:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties
Automobiles

The next three contestants, please:



1. Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, directed by Stanley Kubrick | Pros: More indelible images and lines of dialogue per minute of film than 99% of other movies. One of the best showcases of Peter Sellers' skills. Still scarily relevant. Cons: I really can't think of any. Maybe the flying footage is kind of obviously fake? But who cares.



2. Coca-Cola | Pros: The nectar of the gods. A point of pride for Georgians. Cons: So not good for you.




3. The Velvet Underground's four studio albums | Pros: Aside from still being some amazing music, practically invented rock 'n roll as we know it--nearly every good band working today was influenced by the VU, either directly or through a few filters. Cons: Noticeable decline in quality after John Cale's exit, though their best song ("Sweet Jane") is on their last album.

Polls close Monday, March 28 at midnight.

ASK LIL' GARDNER AND ROBOT JESUS: THE ANSWERS, PT. 1

Chris asks whether, in the event of an alien invasion, whether Robot Jesus would choose the side of the extraterrestial attackers or the Earth-born defenders. Follow this link to find your answer:

ROBOT JESUS ANSWERS HERE!

ASK ME--I WON'T SAY "NO"--HOW COULD I?

I am in a remarkably generous mood today, so I’ve decided to grant forgiveness to everyone I banned in the Great Quiz Debacle a few weeks ago. Welcome back to the fold, my wayward sheep! Enjoy the Kool-Aid!

But on the same subject, it has come to my attention that perhaps one cause of all that banning was that you, my subjects, do not know very much about me, your glorious leader. I had thought that my inscrutable and deadly persona was the proper one for a fearsome internet dictator, but perhaps I also need to make a token gesture of pretending to be open, accessible and relatable, like all those wonderful people on the reality TV. So, to that end, it is time once again to

ASK LIL’ GARDNER AND ROBOT JESUS!


That’s right--ask anything you want, and America’s Smartest Cartoon Characters will reply promptly and honestly. You can’t lose!

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

1. "Sean Brady" plastic
2. "Zero Day" -exploits movie trailer -download -buy
3. Flash Animation Freak radiohead
4. "hootie and the blowfish" "goodbye" "piano score" free

These are the top four search strings that led people to my site today. I don't understand what you're looking for, people! (Perhaps tellingly, two of them were from Google International.) Who is Sean Brady? What is Zero Day? I AM CONFUSED.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 11

Kitties edge out scissors to move on to Round 3. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex
Kitties

The next three contestants, please:



1. Citizen Kane, directed by Orson Welles | Pros: Has acquired a reputation as the greatest movie ever made; amazingly, watching it tends to back up that reputation. Inspired the "Rosebud" episode of The Simpsons (aka the one with Bobo the bear). Cons: Set an impossibly high bar that Welles would never reach again (though Touch of Evil came close), and making his decline into commercials and Transformers voice work that much sadder. Probably not actually the greatest movie ever made. By now, everybody knows what Rosebud is.



2. The Lord of the Rings, directed by Peter Jackson | Pros: Possibly the greatest movie trilogy ever made. Struck a delicate balance between being as good as the books while being a very different beast. Cons: Did you vote for this? You are a nerd.



3. Automobiles | Pros: The best way to get from here to there. A really good way to express your personality via your possessions. Cons: Destroy the environment, keep leading us into wars in the Middle East.

Polls close Monday, March 21 at midnight.

PROVE YOUR FEALTY...

...by taking the Official GLFC Loyalty Quiz. If you score less than 60, you'll be banned for life! (Sorry, Chris and Meeta!)

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

And if that proves too difficult, you can take the Gardner's Musical History version:

Take my other Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 10

Despite the best efforts of Faulkner fans, sex moves on to Round 3. The Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Sex

The next three contestants, please:



1. The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot | Pros: Gave generations of literary scholars something to do; gave generations of writers something to steal from. The best poem ever, according to the seven of you who vote. Cons: Not, however, the best poem ever to read in a head-to-head last-man-standing poetry-declamation cage match.



2. Scissors | Pros: Were it not for them, new buildings would be forever encircled by giant red ribbons. Cons: You'll put your eye out!




3. Kitties | Pros: Adorable yet aloof. Cleaner than dogs. Cons: They don't particularly care about your affection. Also, please note that you are voting for kitties in general, not just the specific kitties pictured.

Polls close Monday, March 14 at midnight.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Round 2, Heat 9

Even without post-deadline votes, The Daily Show still inexplicably beats food. Seriously? I know for a fact that most of you don't live in LA, so you have no reason not to eat. Anyway, the Round 3 contenders so far:

Art
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
Water
Johnny Cash, 1994-2003
The Big Lebowski
Books
Air conditioning
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Our next three contestants (I think this one's going to be a walk, but I also thought food was gonna win, so what do I know? Maybe some of you are literate and lonely.):



1. The stories of Raymond Carver | Pros: "She sits there waiting, her dainty fingers poking her hair. Waiting for what? I'd like to know. It is August. My life is going to change. I feel it." Cons: Everybody who's tried and failed to do that same thing.



2. Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner | Pros: "'Tell me one more thing. Why do you hate the South?'
'I dont hate it,' Quentin said, quickly, at once, immediately; 'I dont hate it,' he said. 'I dont hate it' he thought, panting in the cold air, the iron New England dark: I dont. I dont! I dont hate it! I dont hate it!" Cons: None!



3. Sex | Pros: Highly enjoyable. Desire for it the root cause of all great art. Necessary for perpetuating life on the planet. Cons: Sometimes perpetuates life even when you don't want it to. Awkward!

Polls close Monday, March 7 at midnight.