EVERYTHING IDOL | Qualifying Round, Heat 34

Water is apparently the most important element, so it gets to move on to Round 2 in the ongoing competition to determine The Best Thing Ever. The Round 2 contenders so far:

Kitties, Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Air conditioning, Bob Dylan 1965-66, Star Wars: the original trilogy, The Simpsons, The stories of Raymond Carver, Home cooking, The lightbulb, Homicide: Life on the Street, Ping-Pong, Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Watchmen by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons, Scissors, Google.com, Sex, US Postal Service, Chocolate-chip cookies, The Lord of the Rings (the movies), Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner, Email, Rushmore, In the Aeroplane over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, Fight Club, Beef, His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Books, The Big Lebowski, Batman, The Far Side by Gary Larson, Seinfeld, The Office, Preacher by Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, In Utero by Nirvana, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Office Space, Couches, Automobiles, Citizen Kane, Water

And the losers' brackets are shaping up thusly:

FILM: Boogie Nights, Edward Scissorhands, Lawrence of Arabia, Pulp Fiction, This Is Spinal Tap, Young Frankenstein, Some Like It Hot, The Indiana Jones Trilogy, Casablanca, The Godfather Part I & II, Gone with the Wind
MUSIC: Surfer Rosa by the Pixies, Otis Redding's oeuvre, Automatic for the People by R.E.M., "Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles, The Velvet Underground's four studio albums, iPod/iTunes, London Calling by The Clash, Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie, The Boatman's Call by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Ritual de lo Habitual by Jane's Addiction, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain by Pavement, Superunknown by Soundgarden, Vs. by Pearl Jam, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins, Speaking in Tongues by Talking Heads
TV: Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Sopranos, Freaks and Geeks, Mr. Show with Bob and David, Futurama, Fawlty Towers, The Larry Sanders Show, The Cosby Show, South Park, NewsRadio, Alias, Gilmore Girls, Oz
LITERATURE: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, Inferno by Dante Alighieri, Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, Peanuts by Charles Schulz, Krazy Kat by George Herriman, The Invisibles by Grant Morrison, The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller, Ghost World by Daniel Clowes, 1984 by George Orwell, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham, Underworld by Don DeLillo
FOOD & DRINK: apple pie a la mode, Guinness Stout, pizza delivery, Coca-Cola, NyQuil, bourbon, chicken, seafood, pork, macaroni & cheese, In-N-Out Burger
OTHER: shoes, eBay.com, Mapquest.com, Weather.com, money, power, fame, that picture of Johnny Cash flipping the bird, righteous indignation, correct spelling, carpet, dinosaurs, nemeses, film, grooved vinyl, magnetic tape, optical discs, future magic hard drives, Superman, Spider-Man, X-Men, planes, trains, rocketships, earth, wind, fire

The next four contestants, please:



1. Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys |
I keep looking for a place to fit
Where I can speak my mind
I’ve been trying hard to find the people
That I won’t leave behind

They say I got brains
But they ain’t doing me no good
I wish they could




2. My Aim Is True by Elvis Costello |
He snatches at you and you match his cigarette
She pulls the eyes out with a face like a magnet
I don't know how much more of this I can take
She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake




3. It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back by Public Enemy |
Caught, now in court 'cause I stole a beat
This is a sampling sport
But I'm giving it a new name
What you hear is mine
P.E. you know the time
Now, what in the heaven does a jury know about hell
If I took it, but they just look at me
Like, hey I'm on a mission
I'm talkin' 'bout conditions
Ain't right sittin' like dynamite
Gonna blow you up and it just might
Blow up the bench and
Judge, the courtroom plus I gotta mention
This court is dismissed when I grab the mike
Yo Flave...What is this?



4. OK Computer by Radiohead |
in the next world war
in a jackknifed juggernaut
i am born again
in the neon sign scrolling up and down
i am born again
in an intastella burst i am back to save the universe!!

Polls close Monday, December 6 at midnight.

A MESSAGE FROM THE HEART

With the biggest shopping weekend of the year upon us, and people all over this great nation rushing off to their local malls, big box stores and Westfield ShoppingTowns to purchase brightly-colored gewgaws for their friends and family, I think we should all take a moment to realize that there are some things you can't buy in a mall...

"Yes," you say, "things like love, peace and happiness."

No, you fools! Love, peace and happiness are readibly available in stores, only they're known by their more familiar brand names of iPod, Tivo and Xbox. I'm talking about things you really can't get at the store:

GARDNER LINN FAN CLUB MERCHANDISE!

That's right! Just what your son, daugher, niece, nephew, wife, husband, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, half-brother, stepsister, weird uncle or committed life partner wants for Christmas. The perfect gifts for the man who has everything! (And I should know, because I've hardly sold any of this crap, and I definitely haven't sold anything to anybody who has everything.) And just in time for the holidays, we've added some brand new products sure to briefly sate the consumer-lust of even your most trend-conscious loved one. Things like:

THE YELLOW GLFC LOGO T-SHIRT



The perennial favorite GLFC logo on a new gaudy yellow t-shirt, perfect for your GLFC-Brand Tasty Banana Halloween costume. (Note: GLFC-Brand Tasty Bananas will be in stores by next October, so your costume will make sense. Order with confidence!)

THE LIL'-GARDNER-THROUGH-THE-AGES BASEBALL-T



Watch Lil' Gardner grow from adorable baby to disturbing head-on-wheels. Lil' Gardner is the Mickey Mouse of the 21st Century!

THE ANGRY MAGIC DUCK T-SHIRT



My pal Angry Magic Duck demanded a T-shirt of his own, so I was forced to capitulate. Please buy this, so he'll stop yelling at me.

THE HILARIOUS IRONIC TRUCKER HAT



It's a bumper sticker for your head! Remember, you can't spell "class" without "ass."

Mugs and stickers and girlie T-shirts are also still available! If you want a specific design on a different product, tell me and I'll make it happen! I aim to please!

EVERYTHING IDOL | Qualifying Round, Heat 33

Citizen Kane beat out its fellow classic movies to move on to Round 2 in the ongoing competition to determine The Best Thing Ever. The Round 2 contenders so far:

Kitties, Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Air conditioning, Bob Dylan 1965-66, Star Wars: the original trilogy, The Simpsons, The stories of Raymond Carver, Home cooking, The lightbulb, Homicide: Life on the Street, Ping-Pong, Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Watchmen by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons, Scissors, Google.com, Sex, US Postal Service, Chocolate-chip cookies, The Lord of the Rings (the movies), Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner, Email, Rushmore, In the Aeroplane over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, Fight Club, Beef, His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Books, The Big Lebowski, Batman, The Far Side by Gary Larson, Seinfeld, The Office, Preacher by Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, In Utero by Nirvana, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Office Space, Couches, Automobiles, Citizen Kane

And the losers' brackets are shaping up thusly:

FILM: Boogie Nights, Edward Scissorhands, Lawrence of Arabia, Pulp Fiction, This Is Spinal Tap, Young Frankenstein, Some Like It Hot, The Indiana Jones Trilogy, Casablanca, The Godfather Part I & II, Gone with the Wind
MUSIC: Surfer Rosa by the Pixies, Otis Redding's oeuvre, Automatic for the People by R.E.M., "Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles, The Velvet Underground's four studio albums, iPod/iTunes, London Calling by The Clash, Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie, The Boatman's Call by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Ritual de lo Habitual by Jane's Addiction, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain by Pavement, Superunknown by Soundgarden, Vs. by Pearl Jam, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins, Speaking in Tongues by Talking Heads
TV: Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Sopranos, Freaks and Geeks, Mr. Show with Bob and David, Futurama, Fawlty Towers, The Larry Sanders Show, The Cosby Show, South Park, NewsRadio, Alias, Gilmore Girls, Oz
LITERATURE: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, Inferno by Dante Alighieri, Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, Peanuts by Charles Schulz, Krazy Kat by George Herriman, The Invisibles by Grant Morrison, The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller, Ghost World by Daniel Clowes, 1984 by George Orwell, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham, Underworld by Don DeLillo
FOOD & DRINK: apple pie a la mode, Guinness Stout, pizza delivery, Coca-Cola, NyQuil, bourbon, chicken, seafood, pork, macaroni & cheese, In-N-Out Burger
OTHER: shoes, eBay.com, Mapquest.com, Weather.com, money, power, fame, that picture of Johnny Cash flipping the bird, righteous indignation, correct spelling, carpet, dinosaurs, nemeses, film, grooved vinyl, magnetic tape, optical discs, future magic hard drives, Superman, Spider-Man, X-Men, planes, trains, rocketships

The next four contestants, please:




1. Earth | What stuff is made out of.




2. Wind | AKA air. Necessary for breathing and stuff.




3. Fire | Warm and toasty.




4. Water | Seventy percent of you.

Polls close Monday, November 29 at midnight.

THAT IS ONE BITCHIN' DRAGON

So my dad sends me a link to this awesome dragon thing, which really is incredible--print it out, put it together, and prepare to be amazed.

Turns out that the dragon was created for the Gathering for Gardner, which sounds cool on principal, but turns out to be cool in practice too, because it's a celebration of Martin Gardner, a mathematician really smart guy who wrote lots of books on puzzles and skepticism and such that I really liked when I was younger. And that led me to this page of "Martin Gardner" inversions that has a brilliant little Flash animation right at the top. I'm sorely tempted to make that my new logo.

In other Dad news, he's contributed a great Fisher Hindley track to Honey, Where You Been So Long. Go check it out.

ONE LAST CHANCE TO MAKE IT REAL

Go listen to this gorgeous Nebraska-style demo of "Thunder Road." Nice, huh?

Now you have a mission: find me somebody--The Boss or whoever--doing a stripped-down "Born to Run" like this.

Go! Find!

REALLY? JUST WEDNESDAY AT 3 P.M.?



Or: "I know that, but who's her guest?"

RAMBALDI BACKGAMMON

I know what I'm doing with my Wednesdays next year.

This is the second genius (or, as you may call it in the real world, common-sense) decision made by network programming folks this year. (The first was Fox moving Arrested Development to 8:30 after The Simpsons.)

CAN I GET AN ENCORE?

Some enterprising youngster has made a brilliant, totally illegal video for Danger Mouse's Grey Album version of "Encore."

In other news, GQ has named DM one of its Men of the Year. Meanwhile, Time is probably gonna go with Dubya. Advantage: GQ.

SEARCH & DESTROY

I have more than just five regular readers. Sometimes, people stumble across the GLFC without even trying. Here are the top ten search-engine keywords that led people to my site in the past two weeks, and my attempts to help out those lost, wandering souls:

1. jon stewart mp3

That Crossfire thing was pretty awesome.

2. jeffrey brown unholy consumption

You probably found this. You might have been looking for this.

3. "gardner linn"

That was me, testing the stat service.

4. Gardner Linn

That, shockingly, wasn't me Googling myself. Well, mysterious stranger, you found me. What are you gonna do with me?

5. patton oswalt mp3
patton oswalt 222
patton oswalt mp3

Sorry, but I already deleted my Patton mp3s. He's got a couple on his site. Or just buy the albums!

SPECIAL NOTE: If you're an LA-area Patton fan (and don't have a day job, like me, damn it), go check out the Comedy Central pilot he's taping with Brian Posehn today, Wednesday 11/17, at 4:00 p.m. Call 323-957-3929 for info.

6. bentley Farnsworth umbrellas for sale

Read all about it. Then buy one.

7. "bunny mcintosh"

I think you're looking for Melting Dolls. I do not know Bunny, but she links to me because I'm a fellow (occasional) Flagpole writer, so hooray for that.

8. elisha cuthbert's tits

Were you looking for The Cuthbot Saga?

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

9. layne staley and drug use powerball

I'm the second site that pops up when you Google for that phrase. But I'm not sure what "powerball" has to do with anything. Hoping to use Layne Staley's entrails to predict the lottery?

10. macho business donkey wrestler mp3

Here are a bunch of sites with NewsRadio mp3s and WAVs. Unfortunately, they don't appear to have that specific bit of dialogue. Hopefully this transcript will suffice:

Jimmy James: “Glorious sunset of my heart was fading. Soon the super karate monkey death car would park in my space. But Jimmy has fancy plans...and pants to match. The monkey clown horrible karate round and yummy like cute small baby chick would beat the donkey.”

Question: Mr. James, what did you mean when you wrote “Bad clown making like super American car racers, I would make them sweat, war war?”

Jimmy James: Well, you know...it's like when a clown is making like a car...racer...it's sorta...like...the FCC. The clown...the clown is like the FCC...and I was opposed to the FCC at the time, right? So it was like I was declaring war. WARRRR!

Question: So then did the American yum yum clown monkey also represent the FCC?

Jimmy James: Yeah, it did. Thanks a lot!

Question: What did you mean when you said, "Feel my skills, donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey?

Jimmy James: (Sigh)

And, since it's Wednesday

I might as well throw you some comics links.

Newsarama has preview art from Grant Morrison's upcoming Seven Soldiers project.



Pretty. While we're on the subject of Grant Morrison: Morrison & Mark Millar's 2099 Apocalypse proposal.

And while we're talking about aborted apocalyptic superhero epics: Alan Moore's Twilight proposal

And if you want a good chuckle, check out these brilliant cartoons at Cheston.com. (Via Johnny Bacardi)

This has nothing to do with comics, but it's awesome anyway:

I know what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. 70 mm!!

A REQUEST

Checking my stats, I see that someone found their way to the GLFC via the Something Awful forums. But I'm not about to spend ten bucks to register for their forums, so could somebody tell me what the specific link was? Shockingly, not even Lil' Gardner and Robot Jesus can help me here.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Qualifying Round, Heat 32

Automobiles beat out the competing modes of transportation to move on to Round 2 in the ongoing competition to determine The Best Thing Ever. The Round 2 contenders so far:

Kitties, Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Air conditioning, Bob Dylan 1965-66, Star Wars: the original trilogy, The Simpsons, The stories of Raymond Carver, Home cooking, The lightbulb, Homicide: Life on the Street, Ping-Pong, Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Watchmen by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons, Scissors, Google.com, Sex, US Postal Service, Chocolate-chip cookies, The Lord of the Rings (the movies), Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner, Email, Rushmore, In the Aeroplane over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, Fight Club, Beef, His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Books, The Big Lebowski, Batman, The Far Side by Gary Larson, Seinfeld, The Office, Preacher by Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain, In Utero by Nirvana, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Office Space, Couches, Automobiles

And the losers' brackets are shaping up thusly:

FILM: Boogie Nights, Edward Scissorhands, Lawrence of Arabia, Pulp Fiction, This Is Spinal Tap, Young Frankenstein, Some Like It Hot, The Indiana Jones Trilogy
MUSIC: Surfer Rosa by the Pixies, Otis Redding's oeuvre, Automatic for the People by R.E.M., "Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles, The Velvet Underground's four studio albums, iPod/iTunes, London Calling by The Clash, Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie, The Boatman's Call by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Ritual de lo Habitual by Jane's Addiction, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain by Pavement, Superunknown by Soundgarden, Vs. by Pearl Jam, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins, Speaking in Tongues by Talking Heads
TV: Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Sopranos, Freaks and Geeks, Mr. Show with Bob and David, Futurama, Fawlty Towers, The Larry Sanders Show, The Cosby Show, South Park, NewsRadio, Alias, Gilmore Girls, Oz
LITERATURE: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, Inferno by Dante Alighieri, Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, Peanuts by Charles Schulz, Krazy Kat by George Herriman, The Invisibles by Grant Morrison, The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller, Ghost World by Daniel Clowes, 1984 by George Orwell, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham, Underworld by Don DeLillo
FOOD & DRINK: apple pie a la mode, Guinness Stout, pizza delivery, Coca-Cola, NyQuil, bourbon, chicken, seafood, pork, macaroni & cheese, In-N-Out Burger
OTHER: shoes, eBay.com, Mapquest.com, Weather.com, money, power, fame, that picture of Johnny Cash flipping the bird, righteous indignation, correct spelling, carpet, dinosaurs, nemeses, film, grooved vinyl, magnetic tape, optical discs, future magic hard drives, Superman, Spider-Man, X-Men, planes, trains, rocketships

The next four contestants, please:




1. Citizen Kane, directed by Orson Welles | "As Charles Foster Kane, who owns 82,634 shares of public transit - you see, I do have a general idea of my holdings - I sympathize with you. Charles Foster Kane is a scoundrel. His paper should be run out of town. A committee should be formed to boycott him. You may, if you can form such a committee, put me down for a contribution of one thousand dollars. " - Charles Foster Kane




2. Casablanca, directed by Michael Curtiz | "Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now...Here's looking at you, kid." - RickBlaine




3. The Godfather & The Godfather Part II, directed by Francis Ford Coppola | "I never wanted this for you. I work my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family, and I refused to be a fool, dancing on the string held by all those bigshots. I don't apologize - that's my life - but I thought that, that when it was your time, that you would be the one to hold the string. Senator Corleone; Governor Corleone. Well, it wasn't enough time, Michael. It wasn't enough time." - Don Vito Corleone





4. Gone with the Wind, directed by Victor Fleming | "No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how." - Rhett Butler

Polls close Monday, November 22 at midnight.

YET MORE "YOU ASKED, WE ANSWER"



Zane asks: When will this reality TV crap end?

Lil' Gardner replies: Hopefully never. Or at least not until after I get a job writing real TV and/or movies.

P.S. Watch America's Next Top Model! Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on UPN!

Zane also asks: How much longer do I have to live?

Robot Jesus replies: Hard to see, the future is. Talk like Yoda, I will. Live forever in our hearts, you will, and as the Empire State Building, for as that, reincarnated you will be.

Meeta asks: Were you always known as lil' gardner or have you gone thorough a pc name change, you know, like how midgets, dwarfs, and munchkins are now called "little people"?

Lil' Gardner replies: I used to be known as "Short-Ass Bitch Gardner," but all the people who called me that are now dead.

Meeta continues: Also, robot jesus - i've got this itch on my back that i can never quite reach. do you have any suggestions?

Robot Jesus replies: I don't know enough about this to personally recommend it, but it looks pretty awesome. Who doesn't like to pretend to be a bear from time to time?

And while you're waiting for that exciting new product to be delivered, might I recommend some fine backscratchin' music:

MP3: "Baby, Scratch My Back" by Booker T. & The MGs

From Booker T. & The MGs Play the Hip Hits. Probably the greatest instrumental band ever. This is slow-simmering soul, perfect for rubbing your back against a tree like a big ol' grizzly bear.

(MP3 disclaimer: All MP3s offered on this site are for evaluation purposes only--i.e. download them, listen to them, decide whether you would like to purchase the music from a friendly retailer, and then delete them. All MP3s will be available for one week after they are posted. If you are an artist or represent an artist or label whose music appears here, and you would like your music removed, just let me know.)

MORE "YOU ASKED, WE ANSWER"

Emerson asks: I've decided to get the filth and clutter out of my apartment, and for the first time in awhile, I'll have to go it alone. What is the best first step to take toward a two-day, balls-to-the-wall cleaning binge? What are the pros and cons of various household cleaning products?

Lil' Gardner replies: First of all, get your balls away from the wall. That is so unsanitary. Second of all, get yourself four big boxes and label them suchlike: STUFF TO KEEP, STUFF TO SELL, STUFF TO DONATE, STUFF TO THROW AWAY. Divide all questionable possessions into these boxes accordingly. Then throw away the STUFF TO THROW AWAY box. Take all the other boxes to Goodwill because you don't need to keep any of that shit. Thirdly, get yourself a lot of Formula 409. A LOT. Formula 409 is the greatest cleaning product ever invented. It's made out of the sparkling pure urine of magic pixies from the Cleanliness Forest or something. It cleans ANYTHING. Also, it doesn't give you chemical headaches like Clorox Clean-Up, which is the only other cleaning product I recommend (but only for kitchen/bathroom floors and toilets). Spray 409 everywhere your house is dirty. Then, wipe it up. It will then be clean! It's magic, I tell you. Magic!

YOU ASKED, WE ANSWER

Ryan asks: Um, yes, this one is for little gardner. Yeah, do you share consciousness with the real life gardner, and if you do, what did you think about the time the two of you spent locked in a dungeon logging video footage for MTV?

Lil' Gardner replies: I do share consciousness with "real life Gardner" (aka Big Gardner), and if I remember correctly, I was born during that time locked in the MTV dungeon. Logging, though intermittently amusing, can prove dreadfully boring and even soul-crushing, so Big Gardner found it helpful to invent an imaginary friend to help him through the long nights, i.e. me. Little did he know that I would soon cease to be imaginary and start offering advice on his blog.

Also, though logging did not pay very well, we had lots of time to write. Now, not so much.

Ryan also asks: Where do you and the real gardner differ with regard to musical taste?

Lil' Gardner replies: Big Gardner likes rock 'n roll covers of Britney Spears songs; I like Britney Spears songs themselves.

Ryan asks, yet again: Does the fact that Austin Powers had a mini me before you were even born affect your psyche with relation to being a one-off clone?

Lil' Gardner replies: This question is irrelevant, as Mini-Me and I have nothing in common. Mini-Me was a truncated clone/surrogate son figure; I am a physical manifestation of a segment of Big Gardner's personality. Try to keep it straight. (Though I wouldn't mind living in a house with Adrianne for a few weeks.)

Ryan finally turns his attention to RJ: Robot Jesus: Does Lil Gardner need to talk to you about leading a purpose driven life?

Robot Jesus replies: He needs to, but he doesn't. Ungrateful punk.

Mail Clerk asks: RJ, the world seems pretty crappy right now. Mediocrity dominates the airwaves, the hard right owns politics, war, economic divide, etc. In short, why have the 80's come back and how can we get rid of them?

Robot Jesus replies: History is a wave, my friend. Crests and troughs. We are deep in a trough, and the hogs are feeding, to mix metaphors. The eighties have come back because you did nothing to stop them from coming back. The only way to make it to the next crest is to pray. To me. (Note: in the parlance of Robot Jesus, praying to me=sending me money.)

Mail Clerk goes on to ask: Also, what up with that hot little girl from interview with a vampire? what's she done lately?

Robot Jesus replies: Nothing worth writing about, unfortunately. I was going to link to a really horrible picture of her on Go Fug Yourself, but their archives are down. But just imagine her trying out for a guest-starring role as a transvestite settler on Little House on the Prairie while wearing a dress made out of a tablecloth, and you'll get the picture.

A word from two old friends


Need relationship advice? Wondering whether you should take that promotion? Can't decide which movie to see this weekend? Always wanted to know Lil' Gardner's shoe size? (It's lil' 14, sometimes lil' 13, depending on the brand.) Can't remember the name of Living Colour's drummer?

ASK LIL' GARDNER & ROBOT JESUS!

That's right, for the first time ever, we, America's two smartest cartoon characters, are allowing you to find the answers to the questions that have plagued your tiny brains since birth. Ask whatever your heart desires, and we shall answer to the best of our staggering abilities. Ask early! Ask often! Ask now.

--Lil' Gardner & Robot Jesus

THURSDAY MULTIMEDIA EXTRAVAGANZA

Remember multimedia? Ah, the glory days of your 486 and your Sound Blaster not working in sync. Sound! Pictures! Enjoy:

--Elvis Mitchell talks with Lost and Alias creator J.J. Abrams on The Treatment. (RealPlayer required.)

--This video sort of points out the inefficacy and general pathetic-ness of protests in 2004, but HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL IS A TANK DOING ON WILSHIRE BOULEVARD? And how can I live in LA and not hear about it until I stumble across the story on a comics blog? This was seriously like less than a mile from my house.

--Almost as fun as British dad-rockers covering Britney Spears songs is white guys covering rap songs: Travis Morrison gets his freak on with Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy?" (fifth link down, courtesy of my new favorite musicblog, Copy, Right?)

WEDNESDAY LINKS HOORAY

1."The Death Star II was designed as bait for the Rebel Alliance, but it was never supposed to be destroyed. The station was meant to be protected by an impenetrable deflector shield. Primitive bipeds on that paradise world were recruited and exploited by daring rebel commandos. They managed to overwhelm the security forces defending the shield's power generator. Ironically, the Ewoks were actually the beneficiaries of the deflector shield, and their aggression indirectly and unwittingly brought about their world's doom."

2. Here's one for Mail Clerk: fun with x-rays. No word on whether any of the travelers acquired ANT POWERS!!!! though.

3. Checking out my stats, I see that some lonely soul found his way here by doing a Yahoo search for "Elisha Cuthbert's tits." You poor thing, you. Perhaps this is what you were looking for.

4. America's favorite comics columnist, Augie De Blieck, has some choice comments in his most recent Pipeline that illustrate the kind of cultural divide we've got going on in this country:

I live in a Blue State, but didn't vote that way. That means Ed Brubaker's new AUTHORITY series is not for me. This really worries me for his CAPTAIN AMERICA run. I want to pick that one up for Steve Epting's tremendous art, but if this is the kind of story we're getting there, too, I don't want to waste my time with it.

Because of course he wouldn't want to be exposed to any opposing viewpoints. Never mind the fact that the first issue of The Authority: Revolution is hardly a left-wing polemic; though The Authority themselves are pinko power fantasies, their stories have always been about the frightening place where liberal do-gooderism meets outright fascism, and Brubaker's series so far looks to stay in that mold. And the Midnighter fantasizing about murdering a Senate subcommittee while Jack Hawskmoor and the Engineer play Bill & Monica in the Oval Office isn't propaganda--it's freaking satire. But propaganda might just be what Augie wants:

Now that the ducks are lining up and the author of Marvel's upcoming book, COMBAT ZONE: TRUE TALES FROM GI'S IN IRAQ, is being "outed" as a neo-con, I know I want to read it. Anything which is the subject of this much speculation and guilt-by-inference by the left piques my interest right away. I may just order multiple copies now.

Perhaps Augie himself is getting satirical here? Somehow, I doubt it. Combat Zone has yet to be seen by human eyes, so for all I know it may be a nuanced, moving portrayal of the horror and honor of the common soldier, but writer Karl Zinsmeister is the editor-in-chief of The American Enterprise and has ties to the Project for the New American Century, so there's reason to believe that the comic might be painting a somewhat rosier view of the war than some readers might like.

But that's all speculation, as the comic is still theoretical at this point. What gets me about Augie's comment is the smug satisfaction he takes in toeing the party line, for wanting to buy "multiple copies" of a comic book just because it's written by a "neo-con." Never mind the actual quality of the book. It's this unwillingness to even entertain opposing ideas, on both the right and the left, that is fueling so much of the rancor in the country today. I know I've been guilty of it too, but I like to think that on my better days I'm more open-minded. The world isn't as black and white as "Democrat vs. Republican," and the country isn't just red and blue--it's purple. I'm reminded of something Patton Oswalt said when I interviewed him for Flagpole last year:

We're in this point now, like I said earlier with all the access that--"I have an opinion!" Everyone has an opinion. "I have an opinion too!" That’s fine, but then people don’t understand that if you express an opinion, people can go "Well yeah...." but they go "No no no no, that’s my opinion." Okay yeah, but I get to respond. "No. No, because I have a right to an opinion." Yes you do, you have a right to say whatever you want, but then I can answer you back and maybe point out what's wrong with it. People are like "No. No. I speak my mind and everyone’s quiet." No they’re not. The idea of debate, the idea of even wanting to talk to someone with a different opinion, or just to maybe get new information--that's just gone. And it's gone on both sides too. Liberals and conservatives. That has fled this country.

But you have to have it open to y'know...people questioning it. People going "You're right on that thing but you're wrong on this thing, and here's why. Here's information." I was in Houston, Texas. I’ve had pretty good shows there. A couple of shows people will come up and go "Hey, I had problems with some of your stuff." There were these two people that came up and were just--these two women were saying "Hey, you’re wrong about George Bush. He was a great governor." And I was like "Well, actually he kinda wasn't--" "No no no. That’s how I feel." That's fine if you do, but I'm gonna give you some facts so you can understand where I'm coming from. They're like--I tried to go, "Did you read Shrub or--" They go, "I don’t need to read this stuff! I lived here and it was good!" I was like but a governorship spans the whole state, not just your experience, but people are--I think with the reality shows and the internet and web pages, everyone is starring in a movie now. Their experience has now become reality. That's everyone's reality. Everyone. And it's so disturbing that people don't understand different opinions outside of theirs. I can even understand people's opinions outside of mine insofar as the conservative Christian movement and why--I can understand why people think George Bush is a good president. I can actually understand that viewpoint. I can see where they're coming from. But then--and it's good to have that viewpoint because then you can put it in the context of the facts. And then form stronger opinions.

As usual, Patton shows us the way.

EVERYTHING IDOL | Qualifying Round, Heat 31

Couches won Heat 30 to move on to Round 2 in the ongoing competition to determine The Best Thing Ever. The Round 2 contenders so far:

Kitties
Macbeth by William Shakespeare
Air conditioning
Bob Dylan, 1965-66
Star Wars: the original trilogy
The Simpsons
The stories of Raymond Carver
Home cooking
The lightbulb
Homicide: Life on the Street
Ping-Pong
Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Watchmen by Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons
Scissors
Google.com
Sex
US Postal Service
Chocolate-chip cookies
The Lord of the Rings (the movies)
Absalom, Absalom! by William Faulkner
Email
Rushmore
In the Aeroplane over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
Fight Club
Beef
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Books
The Big Lebowski
Batman
The Far Side by Gary Larson
Seinfeld
The Office
Preacher by Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
In Utero by Nirvana
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Office Space
Couches

And the losers' brackets are shaping up thusly:

FILM: Boogie Nights, Edward Scissorhands, Lawrence of Arabia, Pulp Fiction, This Is Spinal Tap, Young Frankenstein, Some Like It Hot, The Indiana Jones Trilogy
MUSIC: Surfer Rosa by the Pixies, Otis Redding's oeuvre, Automatic for the People by R.E.M., "Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles, The Velvet Underground's four studio albums, iPod/iTunes, London Calling by The Clash, Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars by David Bowie, The Boatman's Call by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Ritual de lo Habitual by Jane's Addiction, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain by Pavement, Superunknown by Soundgarden, Vs. by Pearl Jam, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins, Speaking in Tongues by Talking Heads
TV: Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Sopranos, Freaks and Geeks, Mr. Show with Bob and David, Futurama, Fawlty Towers, The Larry Sanders Show, The Cosby Show, South Park, NewsRadio, Alias, Gilmore Girls, Oz
LITERATURE: Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, Catch-22 by Joseph Heller, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, Inferno by Dante Alighieri, Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson, Peanuts by Charles Schulz, Krazy Kat by George Herriman, The Invisibles by Grant Morrison, The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller, Ghost World by Daniel Clowes, 1984 by George Orwell, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham, Underworld by Don DeLillo
FOOD & DRINK: apple pie a la mode, Guinness Stout, pizza delivery, Coca-Cola, NyQuil, bourbon, chicken, seafood, pork, macaroni & cheese, In-N-Out Burger
OTHER: shoes, eBay.com, Mapquest.com, Weather.com, money, power, fame, that picture of Johnny Cash flipping the bird, righteous indignation, correct spelling, carpet, dinosaurs, nemeses, film, grooved vinyl, magnetic tape, optical discs, future magic hard drives, Superman, Spider-Man, X-Men

The next four contestants, please:




1. Planes | Allow anyone (with enough money) to be a citizen of the world.




2. Trains | Subject of all the best songs.




3. Automobiles | Our true avatars in the outer world.




4. Rocketships | Allow us to dream.

Polls close Monday, November 15 at midnight.

SPEAKER | A little help from my friends, pt. 1

Despite my considerable charm and rakish good looks, I have a noticeable lack of marketable talent. It has been my good fortune, however, to know some extremely talented folks, whose work I'd like to share with you now.

Clayton Jones is the lead singer, songwriter and banjo player of The Groundhawgs, a Georgia-based bluegrass band who just released their self-titled debut album. The Joneses have been family friends since before I was born, and talented musicians as long as I can remember. The Groundhawgs are a family affair--besides Clay, there's his brother Clark and their brother-in-law Joseph Evans on guitar, and the rest of the band is made up of hometown friends (notably Jonathon Weaver, who provides vocals on the amazing a capella hidden track, which is a bit like Star Wars as told by Ralph Stanley).

MP3: "Billy Bob Alien Come to Nashville" by The Groundhawgs
Throughout the album, Clayton merges a solid grounding in traditional bluegrass with the lyrical sensibilities of modern poetry and fiction, with a recurring emphasis on outer space. That focus is evident on the gleefully materialistic "Billy Bob Alien," with the clarinet of 95-year-old Georgia legend Kasper "Stranger" Malone adding a sinister opium-den edge.

MP3: "Ode on Johnny" by The Groundhawgs
"Ode" on sounds like a ghost signal from beyond the grave, the Man in Black broadcasting his own eulogy from a pirate station from a cold moon orbiting a dead planet. As on a few other songs on the album, here the Groundhawgs take a break from traditional bluegrass to showcase Clayton's growing songwriting confidence over their usual instrumental virtuosity.

If you like what you hear here, buy the album, and if you're in the NW Georgia area, check 'em out live.

SPEAKER | A shark tank in the Oval Office

Because I still feel like being unreasonably mad, here's my favorite bit of Bush "criticism."

MP3: "First Hour (excerpt)" by Patton Oswalt

From Oswalt's new CD 222, the complete, unedited show from the 40 Watt in Athens last September, from which his debut album Feelin' Kinda Patton was culled. This bit wasn't on that album; he did it the first time I saw him perform last February, and I'm glad to have it recorded for posterity now. Underneath the usual hilarious Patton-isms, there's a salient point that I wish the media and more liberals would take to heart: Bush isn't an idiot, and as long as we continue to think of him as an incompetent, English-mangling boob, the longer we're going to have to put up with him.

(MP3 disclaimer: All MP3s offered on this site are for evaluation purposes only--i.e. download them, listen to them, decide whether you would like to purchase the music from a friendly retailer, and then delete them. All MP3s will be available for one week after they are posted. If you are an artist or represent an artist or label whose music appears here, and you would like your music removed, just let me know.)

SOME GOOD NEWS, AT LAST

I can't help it. This is so awesome.

The shot with the eyes? Dude. Dude!

UPDATE 10:07 p.m. 11/4: If you tried the link earlier and it didn't work, try again. I done fixed it.

UPDATE 4:04 p.m. 11/5: Try this link. Beware of popups. (And in case it's still unclear what this is, it's the Star Wars Episode III trailer. I know I'm just setting myself up for disappointment, but this is a damn fine trailer.)

I'M SO MAD I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT (APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE)

So I woke up and it turned out that Bush had won. How about that.

It’s hard not to greet this news with physical dread. It’s the same feeling I got a year and a half ago when the bombing of Iraq began—that we’re one step closer to the brink. I know that’s melodramatic, and I know the world won’t end today, or this week, or this year, but I think if you’ve been paying attention, there’s no way to look at this as anything other than a step in the wrong direction.

Especially when you read bullshit like this. CNN was spouting this stuff last night about how Bush voters were more concerned with “moral values” than any real issues, and that Bush’s victory marks a resurgence in traditional values.

I have to think that anyone who voted for Bush because of “moral values” doesn’t know the meaning of either word. Are these the same moral values that led overwhelming majorities of people in eleven states to codify discrimination against gays for wanting nothing more than to get married? How exactly did Bush bring decency back to the White House? By repeatedly lying to the American people to justify an illegal war that has so far resulted in the death of over a thousand Americans and exponentially more Iraqis?

I want to support the President. I want him to do what’s right for the country and get us out of the mess we’re in. But frankly, that mess is largely his fault. And supporting the President is not the same thing as placing blind faith in him, or allowing him to what he wants simply because he’s the President. You can support the President and still be critical of his actions and policies, and I hope the media in this country finally realize that. Bush has largely gotten a free pass the last four years, and that is appalling. Jon Stewart on The Daily Show last night was the only newsman, fake or otherwise, who was saying what I and a lot of other people were feeling—that four more years with this failed President are going to be unpleasant, at best. (Speaking of Stewart, I think he realizes the influence he now has, and the greater influence he could have, and though I understand his reluctance so far to wield it, I hope this election gives him the impetus to occasionally drop the “nothing matters; everything’s a joke” shtick and really go after the alarmingly passive mass media.)

I’m afraid that the only good thing that’s going to come out of the second Bush term is a Left with a renewed sense of urgency (check this out for a more eloquent and informed account of how this could happen); let’s just hope that in four years, that still matters. And let’s hope that the Democrats can field a candidate who actually has some charisma, and if he’s a sex addict, at least has the decency not to be married.

And if you’re one of the people who disagree with all of Bush’s policies, yet voted for him because only he “understands the stakes of this struggle,” then you deserve everything that’s coming to us. I hope you like the draft, I hope you like the Patriot Act, I hope you like the forced union of church and state, and I hope you like a Supreme Court full of Scalia clones. If you want to pray for something, pray that William Rehnquist sticks it out for four more years.

AN UNINFORMED OPINION

As I write this, it's 11:15 p.m. in California, and the electoral count stands at 249 for Bush and 211 for Kerry. CNN has pronounced Ohio "too close to call," and they refuse to project winners for a handful of other states as well. By the time you read this, maybe we'll know the winner. Most likely, we won't; barring surges for Bush in the counts of these remaining states, we won't know the winner until every absentee and provisional ballot in the state of Ohio has been counted and recounted two weeks from now.

The attitude among CNN's pundits seems to be a weary desire for this to end tonight--for Bush, the apparent winner, to get the 21 votes he needs tonight. And I understand that impulse, because I'm as sick of this shit as they are, but I'm not ready to give up just yet. As long as there's still a possibility, however slim, that Kerry could win, I can put my disappointment on hold.

Because if Bush wins, it will be a disappointment. This isn't about Republicans vs. Democrats; this isn't about blue-state liberals vs. red-state conservatives or "Bush-bashing" or flip-flopping or any nonsense like that; this isn't even about the stolen election four years ago--this is about how we perceive ourselves. Over the past four years, Bush has fucked up just about as much as a President can fuck up. The Democratic party should have been able to run a block of wood against him (and yes, ho ho, they pretty much did) and still win. And yet, it's becoming more and more likely that Bush will take this election--for real this time. Is it Kerry's fault for not being "personable" or for not presenting his "vision for America" well enough? Maybe. Kerry's campaign was a laundry list of missed opportunities. I'm sure I'm not the only one who wished he would more forcefully attack Bush's eminently attackable record. (John Edwards is starting his address at the moment. Where has he been hiding for the past month? Wait for it, wait for it--wow, that was a short address. Way to get to the point.) But my disappointment does not lie solely with Kerry (who just took Michigan, according to CNN). It lies with the (so far) 53,264,881 Americans who apparently want nothing more than a Daddy to tell them what to believe. Because if you examine the facts of Bush's record, there is nothing to suggest that he deserves to run the country for four more years.

(CNN just projected Minnesota for Kerry. This is getting interesting.)

As far as I can tell, the only reason to vote for Bush is that you believe in his worldview, and you believe that he is the only one who can protect us from the evildoers. (Kerry just took Hawaii.) It's all about faith. A recent New York Times profile of Bush by Ron Suskind painted a portrait of the President as a man for whom faith overrides the need for empirical evidence--it doesn't matter what is really happening, as long as you are certain you are doing the right thing. The same faith Bush has in his god and himself is the same faith he demands from his supporters. And, it seems, he's getting that faith, at least from a slight majority. That is the true disappointment: that so many people would rather place blind faith in someone who hasn't earned it, instead of placing a cautious trust in someone who actually has some perspective on America's current tenuous place in the world, no matter how much he may look like Frankenstein's monster.

But hey, maybe I'm just being pessimistic. If Bush wins, maybe he won't view the victory as a rubberstamp on all his unworkable policies, maybe he won't drag us further into a bloody mess in Iraq, maybe he'll find a way to reverse the spiraling deficit. We can dream, right? And it looks like the election is still up for grabs, a Kerry presidency like Schroedinger's cat, alive in one world, dead in another, and while the lawyers fight it out over the next few weeks, we can all live in the world we prefer.

EVERYTHING IDOL | For real this time

No Everything Idol today because your voting energy is better directed elsewhere. Try to make the right choice this time, okay?

If you're one of those likely-mythical "undecided voters" and you've managed to stumble across this site in your attempts to make up your goddamn mind already, here's a clue. Or, if you prefer emotion-manipulating propaganda to cold hard facts, we've got that too.

Or if you're actually capable of making an informed decision and you just want to know where to cast your ballot, here you go.